Majors are typically selected in high school when applying to college and my best guess (based on what I'm told) is that some of the popular reasons majors are chosen are due to where the jobs are, or based on what subjects students have excelled in, along with what parents or adult mentors have encouraged applicants to pursue. While those considerations can be factored in, I'll leave some points that I've shared with first year students...
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Whether you are undeclared or declared, even though there is no one-size-fits all answer for everyone, here are a few questions to help guide you when deciding if the major you selected is still suited for you or if you are exploring another major/option:
1) Are you enjoying the courses?
2) Do you wish to learn more in this field of study?
3) Is the subject matter engaging and are you learning the material?
4) Can you envision yourself as a professor in this area or in industry?
(Or do you see yourself pursuing a career with this major?)
5) Have you met with a counselor in your major department or major of interest?
6) Are there enough resources for when you are having trouble with the material?
7) Are the Faculty and Teaching Assistants supportive?
Based on your individual answers to the above, if the responses you have are mostly positive ones, start to think about making a plan to declare the major. In most 4 year universities, this process is done before or by your 3rd year of study.
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Please note that many people don't end up in professions that link up directly with what they major in, so try not to stress too much on selecting a major. Once you've set your mind on a major, a multitude of experiences and options can open up for you and as long as you continue doing what you love to do, you can't go wrong!
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Monday, December 9, 2019
Relationships
A recurring theme lately has been in the realm of relationships. But first, I will start with a disclaimer just in case critics argue that I'm no expert. And why would anyone listen to me? To that I will agree, I'm no expert. As I often say in person as well as in my responses, everything I have to offer is based on my experiences and what I've observed in society all around me at least in these 43 years of existence; thus everything I have to say may be taken with a grain of salt. I will say though that after a number of trying relationships, I honestly feel like I married my match, someone who offers mutual respect, friendship and love; so if that doesn't count, move on...
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A few questions posed to me on this subject are as follows: [Note, each have specified having monogamous relationships]:
1. Do I have a right to be upset at someone who led me on?
2. How do I get my partner to understand my boundaries?
3. How do I navigate conflict when 2 people have different approaches to conflict?
Let's take the first question. Of course we all have a right to our own feelings. And my best advice is to get to the root of the matter. For example, I asked:
What has led you to believe you were led on?
Did you both define your relationship?
Have you had honest conversations about this definition and your expectations about the relationship?
Typically the answer has been "No, but the other person should have known." or "It doesn't have to be defined, I can tell by how he/she treats me that we should be exclusive." So then the response to the first question becomes, no, if you assume things, then you don't have a right to be upset. It's probably been overused, but people aren't mind-readers, so if you are upset about something you haven't even discussed, it's most likely a wasted investment of emotions in my book.
To answer the 2nd question, it seems quite simple. Communicate how you feel to your partner. If speaking to them in person doesn't seem to do the trick, write them an email or handwritten letter and give it to them. Typically their response to how you feel determines the tone of how the relationship will go. More often than not, people won't do any of these actions and become stuck in a cycle of letting certain things go and then getting upset again. I've noticed it in the ones who decide to ask me advice in person.
When in this kind of situation, the questions one could ask is: 1) Do I value myself enough to end this relationship/friendship and move on to ones more meaningful? If the honest answer is no, then that may be why people stay in these kind of relationships either just for kicks or because perhaps they don't want to take the chance & move on. Or they found a greater reason than valuing themselves to stay.
Tackling that 3rd question requires that both parties are willing to work with each others differences in how they approach conflict. Everyone is raised differently, which makes people shaped a certain way, thus not everyone can be the same especially in handling conflict.
Once they truly understand and love each other and agree to be together in a healthy way, they should both step back and ask each other how they are actually going to change certain behaviors to accommodate the other person? If the topic of change makes one cringe and the other person feels more like "Can't they just deal with how I am? This is how I am and I won't change for anyone!" If that's the response, then I'm not exactly sure how this type of relationship is going to work. It will work if the other person is truly and honestly OK with 'dealing' with the other. And believe me, I've seen this type of relationship also--although sometimes with the complaints they tend to have in the future, I tend to wonder if they are truly happy. For this type to work, one can't expect the other to change until they are ready (or perhaps never at all.) It's up to whoever may be complaining to accept the other person wholeheartedly.
Basically we all have a choice of who we want to be with and around. To say that we don't does not sound like a person who has weighed all options, or if they have, they may be afraid of stepping out or being alone. To those types of individuals, I do challenge them to envision what if their lives end tomorrow? Would they not regret their choices of today? If so, why wait any longer if today is our last day? I tend to ask such grim questions because it's my goal to help those who need a nudge to finding their own inner voice. Because I believe that we all have the answers within and know what to do. It's a matter of stepping outside our comfort zones and into the unknown to where we can find our joy.
And that's how I will end today's post. Choose something joyful daily and you may find more joyous happenstances your way.
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A few questions posed to me on this subject are as follows: [Note, each have specified having monogamous relationships]:
1. Do I have a right to be upset at someone who led me on?
2. How do I get my partner to understand my boundaries?
3. How do I navigate conflict when 2 people have different approaches to conflict?
Let's take the first question. Of course we all have a right to our own feelings. And my best advice is to get to the root of the matter. For example, I asked:
What has led you to believe you were led on?
Did you both define your relationship?
Have you had honest conversations about this definition and your expectations about the relationship?
Typically the answer has been "No, but the other person should have known." or "It doesn't have to be defined, I can tell by how he/she treats me that we should be exclusive." So then the response to the first question becomes, no, if you assume things, then you don't have a right to be upset. It's probably been overused, but people aren't mind-readers, so if you are upset about something you haven't even discussed, it's most likely a wasted investment of emotions in my book.
To answer the 2nd question, it seems quite simple. Communicate how you feel to your partner. If speaking to them in person doesn't seem to do the trick, write them an email or handwritten letter and give it to them. Typically their response to how you feel determines the tone of how the relationship will go. More often than not, people won't do any of these actions and become stuck in a cycle of letting certain things go and then getting upset again. I've noticed it in the ones who decide to ask me advice in person.
When in this kind of situation, the questions one could ask is: 1) Do I value myself enough to end this relationship/friendship and move on to ones more meaningful? If the honest answer is no, then that may be why people stay in these kind of relationships either just for kicks or because perhaps they don't want to take the chance & move on. Or they found a greater reason than valuing themselves to stay.
Tackling that 3rd question requires that both parties are willing to work with each others differences in how they approach conflict. Everyone is raised differently, which makes people shaped a certain way, thus not everyone can be the same especially in handling conflict.
Once they truly understand and love each other and agree to be together in a healthy way, they should both step back and ask each other how they are actually going to change certain behaviors to accommodate the other person? If the topic of change makes one cringe and the other person feels more like "Can't they just deal with how I am? This is how I am and I won't change for anyone!" If that's the response, then I'm not exactly sure how this type of relationship is going to work. It will work if the other person is truly and honestly OK with 'dealing' with the other. And believe me, I've seen this type of relationship also--although sometimes with the complaints they tend to have in the future, I tend to wonder if they are truly happy. For this type to work, one can't expect the other to change until they are ready (or perhaps never at all.) It's up to whoever may be complaining to accept the other person wholeheartedly.
Basically we all have a choice of who we want to be with and around. To say that we don't does not sound like a person who has weighed all options, or if they have, they may be afraid of stepping out or being alone. To those types of individuals, I do challenge them to envision what if their lives end tomorrow? Would they not regret their choices of today? If so, why wait any longer if today is our last day? I tend to ask such grim questions because it's my goal to help those who need a nudge to finding their own inner voice. Because I believe that we all have the answers within and know what to do. It's a matter of stepping outside our comfort zones and into the unknown to where we can find our joy.
And that's how I will end today's post. Choose something joyful daily and you may find more joyous happenstances your way.
Friday, December 6, 2019
What to do with negative thoughts
Inspiration of this post comes from questions such as "What if I fail?" "I'm not doing well and want to give up." "What will my parents think if I don't graduate?" or "I don't know how to stop my thoughts from thinking negative;" "I just worry a lot." along with similar questions and statements. So the following is what I have learned to do from my lifetime of being in that kind of headspace once upon a time.
Firstly, if you find yourself in this kind of predicament, I have some tips for those willing to try.
The very second the negative thought enters the brain, try to interrupt the idea immediately with maybe pinching herself and saying "No!" out loud. Or try other things to interrupt the thought if any doubts continue. For example, as soon as one hears "what if..." followed by something bad, try physically shaking the head quickly side to side and say "no" out loud followed by smiling and looking up at the ceiling or doing something silly. I realize this may sound funny however I highly encouraged anyone who is open to trying it out(along with anything else one might find out of the ordinary like hopping on one foot and saying things like "STOP" "NOT NOW" or even "NEVER AGAIN" and to use try and use these techniques--not only regarding grades and failing--but also anything that one may encounter in life. Once a person continues to interrupt the grim outlook with the most bizarre ideas, try replacing the grim thought with a positive outlook and a plan of action on how to move forward.
To take one earlier example question, such as “what if I fail?” into consideration—Remember, after immediately carrying out a sudden behavior change to stop that kind of thinking, one can replace it with thoughts like “How can I learn from this experience?” “What do I really want and what am I willing to do to get there?” “Who is the best person that I can reach out to for help?” “Do I love what I am doing?” Once one has answers to a few of these, the actions taken are more proactive versus falling back into a pattern of negative mind dialogues.
If readers recall, I last wrote about feeling stuck and having a back up plan--this idea is also related.
One idea I have advised students in my day job who tend to feel that they have already tried going to their professor and TA multiple times and still feel that they are not learning the material--instead of thinking negative thoughts, break the pattern and go seek advice from your department counselor as they may have supplemental tutoring resources you may not know of. It's always worth a try!
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Side note: After giving this advice, I imagine some might wonder how I came up with the idea of interrupting a debilitating thought. I honestly can't remember just one source. Through my life after college, I read some books such as Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Intention," "There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem," and "Wishes Fulfilled," to name a few. I also remember that in days where I was sad and going through life challenges (my early 20s), a friend gave me some of his CDs by Tony Robbin's called something like Personal Power in 10 days and I applied some of his methods to my life. Combined with listening to lectures on PBS or whatever self-help I've resonated with, I know that interrupting my thoughts and replacing them with proactive useful ideas over the years have helped train my brain not to stay stuck in the downward spiral for long. I notice that it also helps to have a great support network--whether they are family or friends. One good person is all it takes to help inspire us to be better people and not fall into the negative mind trap.
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Disclaimer--Remember this is one tool to try, based on what has happened to me in my life. If one is clinically depressed, it takes a professional to diagnose and treat such a condition. There are multiple resources for mental health, so it's best to do more research and find the best possible option for oneself.
Firstly, if you find yourself in this kind of predicament, I have some tips for those willing to try.
The very second the negative thought enters the brain, try to interrupt the idea immediately with maybe pinching herself and saying "No!" out loud. Or try other things to interrupt the thought if any doubts continue. For example, as soon as one hears "what if..." followed by something bad, try physically shaking the head quickly side to side and say "no" out loud followed by smiling and looking up at the ceiling or doing something silly. I realize this may sound funny however I highly encouraged anyone who is open to trying it out(along with anything else one might find out of the ordinary like hopping on one foot and saying things like "STOP" "NOT NOW" or even "NEVER AGAIN" and to use try and use these techniques--not only regarding grades and failing--but also anything that one may encounter in life. Once a person continues to interrupt the grim outlook with the most bizarre ideas, try replacing the grim thought with a positive outlook and a plan of action on how to move forward.
To take one earlier example question, such as “what if I fail?” into consideration—Remember, after immediately carrying out a sudden behavior change to stop that kind of thinking, one can replace it with thoughts like “How can I learn from this experience?” “What do I really want and what am I willing to do to get there?” “Who is the best person that I can reach out to for help?” “Do I love what I am doing?” Once one has answers to a few of these, the actions taken are more proactive versus falling back into a pattern of negative mind dialogues.
If readers recall, I last wrote about feeling stuck and having a back up plan--this idea is also related.
One idea I have advised students in my day job who tend to feel that they have already tried going to their professor and TA multiple times and still feel that they are not learning the material--instead of thinking negative thoughts, break the pattern and go seek advice from your department counselor as they may have supplemental tutoring resources you may not know of. It's always worth a try!
-----------------------------------------------------
Side note: After giving this advice, I imagine some might wonder how I came up with the idea of interrupting a debilitating thought. I honestly can't remember just one source. Through my life after college, I read some books such as Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Intention," "There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem," and "Wishes Fulfilled," to name a few. I also remember that in days where I was sad and going through life challenges (my early 20s), a friend gave me some of his CDs by Tony Robbin's called something like Personal Power in 10 days and I applied some of his methods to my life. Combined with listening to lectures on PBS or whatever self-help I've resonated with, I know that interrupting my thoughts and replacing them with proactive useful ideas over the years have helped train my brain not to stay stuck in the downward spiral for long. I notice that it also helps to have a great support network--whether they are family or friends. One good person is all it takes to help inspire us to be better people and not fall into the negative mind trap.
-------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer--Remember this is one tool to try, based on what has happened to me in my life. If one is clinically depressed, it takes a professional to diagnose and treat such a condition. There are multiple resources for mental health, so it's best to do more research and find the best possible option for oneself.
Monday, December 2, 2019
What graduate program is right for you?
In today's society, I encounter a few who would rather be told what to do versus search within. Today's question was inspired by someone who was hoping I would have the answer, but instead, I came up with questions to help this person figure out what they truly wanted.
Since the concern was regarding graduate school, here are questions that can be helpful.
1.What is your goal in attaining a post-degree?
2.What are you interested in learning?
3.What are you excited about applying to?
4.Why do you want this program over another program?
5.Will this program make you happy?
6. Can you afford it on your own?
7. Did you do your research?
8. Did you prepare/are you ready?
9. How does this program prepare you for you future (career) goals?
After responding to the above questions, one can also create a back up plan in case your first choice of a graduate program does not pan out. Since I don't expect one can put all their eggs in one basket so to speak, so I also suggest one make another back-up to the original back-up plan. I always feel there should be at least 2-3 back-up plans to fall upon, with those or similar questions as the guide each time. I'm sure there are other questions that can be asked to help steer us in the right direction, but for now, I'm leaving them here as tools for the cyber-world!
Till next time...
Since the concern was regarding graduate school, here are questions that can be helpful.
1.What is your goal in attaining a post-degree?
2.What are you interested in learning?
3.What are you excited about applying to?
4.Why do you want this program over another program?
5.Will this program make you happy?
6. Can you afford it on your own?
7. Did you do your research?
8. Did you prepare/are you ready?
9. How does this program prepare you for you future (career) goals?
After responding to the above questions, one can also create a back up plan in case your first choice of a graduate program does not pan out. Since I don't expect one can put all their eggs in one basket so to speak, so I also suggest one make another back-up to the original back-up plan. I always feel there should be at least 2-3 back-up plans to fall upon, with those or similar questions as the guide each time. I'm sure there are other questions that can be asked to help steer us in the right direction, but for now, I'm leaving them here as tools for the cyber-world!
Till next time...
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