"How did you deal with anxiety?"
This question comes from a 12 year old who asked me how I dealt with anxiety at that age. After being asked this, I had to stop and think carefully because I was a 12 year old in the 1980s and I realized that being 12 in 2024 is a completely different story from back then. We are currently immersed in a world with new slang, social media, and ways of living but even though this is the case, I realize being 12 is still a phase of life where it would have been nice to have tools to navigate this ever changing world. Now I can think about what I wish I could have known then what I know now and share what I hope will help.
I hope the following thoughts shared below will be of use to anyone at any age or to those who are starting to have such kind of feelings.
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To begin, anxiety is "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome" as defined by the online dictionary (Anxiety Definition)
And these were a few questions I had asked before offering advice: a) How did you know it was anxiety? b)What were you doing at the time of feeling that certain kind of way? c) What were you feeling at that time? d) What did you do about it then?
In my line of questioning this person, it turns out that many things had gone through their mind such as feelings of not being good enough for the test they were taking at the time along with other inferior feelings that were overwhelming; accompanied by blurry vision and the feeling of being sick. After this person was removed from the situation (picked up from school), the person started feeling better. Thus, this situation is how anxiety was determined.
To manage these kind of feelings, I did suggest a couple of things:
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1.Take some deep breaths maybe 10 of them with slow exhales.
(I still suggest this action especially if the anxiety is happening during taking a school exam. I wish I knew this technique at that age because when we can't control our thoughts, we can at least take control of our breaths. In doing so, the hope is that the thoughts will diminish and go away completely.)
What I would like to add to this advice is that if the breaths do not work at the moment and the thoughts are still there, maybe shake your head as the thoughts are coming in and replace them with these thoughts "I got this. I am smart enough. And if I get any of these answers wrong, I can just learn from them."
2. Journaling.
(Writing out the thoughts that are occupying your brain should help at least get them on a piece of paper and then you can rip up the paper later when those thoughts are released. Ripping them up can be a symbol of you empowering yourself never to have those feelings bother you again. Or you can keep writing your feelings in a locked diary or book just so they can be released and not bottled up inside.)
3. Exercising.
(Finding a workout routine that brings you happiness and joy can work wonders. There may be a science behind it too, but I'm currently speaking from personal experience that when I continue to find time for exercise, I don't feel anxiety and stress as much as when I don't find time for exercise. And the 'trick' in my opinion is not to overdo the exercise. As my father liked to remind us when my siblings and I were growing up, "Anything in excess is bad and can kill us." So that thought creeps up from time to time if I overdo anything. So if anything just do what you can :)
4. Eating a balanced diet.
(Growing up, to me this idea meant having at least breakfast, lunch and dinner--and at each meal having one of each of the 4 basic food groups such as a dairy product, whole grain group [such as bread or other wheat products], fruits, & veggies.) I'm not sure what it is these days as people now go on different kinds of diets. I can only hope they are following an expert's advice such as a dietician because you'll want to make sure your body and organs are getting as much nutrients as possible because this is a critical age when we need those vitamins the most. You'll thank yourself when you are older!)
5. Having at least 8 hours of sleep.
(This was a challenge when I was in high school, however before high school, my father always made sure we (all his kids) were in bed at 8pm. If you can't have 8 hours of sleep, hopefully you can have at least 7, but 8 is ideal.)
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After the advice was given, I explained that I had only applied # 2 - 5 from the above but I wish I knew about the breathing technique along with replacing my negative thoughts. It's helping me more now whenever I have anxiety but back then I didn't know or no one told me that was an option! I will admit that I didn't do the writing down and ripping technique as I suggested because I honestly just thought of it. I said to rip them afterwards just in case reading them back another time makes you feel anxiety all over again. So if you keep your written thoughts like I did, maybe don't read unless you feel like you have managed your anxiety a lot better and it never or hardly ever gets to that level again. So if and when you read it again in the future, at least you can compare how much better you are doing now versus before! Yay :)
Later, we had a side conversation which led to the discovery that in this day and age at the age of 12 or younger, kids may reveal secrets from their (home?) life that may be traumatic to other children. In my opinion, such secrets would be better suited for a professional. Kids should not have to carry this kind of "weight" but the reality is that some of them are. If this is you and you are under the age of 18 years old, please know that when others tell you things such as they wish they were never born or other things that make you feel uneasy, an appropriate thing to maybe say is "I wish I knew how to help, but please speak to a trusted adult." Or something like that. They should know that you don't have all the answers (yet) and if they tell you they don't have a trusted adult to go to, try to refer them to read this advice blog and to try the steps above.
If they have tried that and they still feel troubled, or worse, if you feel they can hurt themselves, please share with them that there are places resources other than this blog such as this one: Suicide prevention
Another question that came up after a discussion was along the lines of "How do you know if you should talk to a person or groups of people or not?" And my general rule of thumb in choosing (close) friends or deciding on who to talk to, feel free to ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you feel like talking to the person or persons?
2. How does it feel when you talk to them?
2. Does what they say and share help me learn good things even if we are different?
3. Even if we are different, do I feel respected/valued when we talk to each other?
If you don't like the answers to these questions, then these may not be the type of people you want in your close circle of friends. If you cannot avoid them and they are in your class, that's ok. If they bother you or interrupt you when you are trying to learn from the teacher, let them know your boundaries in a respectful way.
Something I learned later in life is that it's OK if not everyone is a close friend. These are what we call acquaintances which are basically people we know. And then there are our close friends--People who always make you feel heard, even if you have different upbringing and backgrounds and of course you genuinely offer the same for them. A friendship works both ways and no one ever should want the other to feel sad/bad.
To close out, remember that it's not our job to make others happy if they are the ones causing us to get sick or feel anxiety. Overall, these are the ways I have survived this so called life so far and I'd like to think I'm on the right track. If you have any other questions, feel free to send them here: Need advice? Hope you all have a wonderful day :)
