Grief is such a heavy topic. There is no "one-size-fits-all" response to this emotion yet I've been asked this question sporadically especially since after June 20, 2012 which is when I experienced and still consider the worst loss of my life--my dearest father--whom I could not imagine a life without. Now this subject is starting to resurface because there are so many experiencing their loved ones who are passing away from this coronavirus that the world is still trying to manage. However due to the prevalent concerns on this issue, I'll take a stab at helping those who need to know how I dealt with mine and how you can find your own ways towards comfort and hopefully peace.
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If you are someone who has just faced the loss of a loved one(s), my heart goes out to you first and foremost. I can't imagine the ordeal, the unpredictability, and the whirlwind of emotions you might be going through. But when you're finally away from all the "noise" of everyone asking what they can do for you, offering condolences, sympathies, and whatever words tend to become overused during those times, you can go through these lists of questions to try and help you refocus back to some kind of balance. [Please note that I don't mean to minimize the people who use cliches during times of tragedy, I'm only relating to that phase of when I was going through my loss and the same words tended to echo throughout the day. In retrospect, I'm sure at the time everyone was doing their best to express their compassion.] That said, here are the questions to those who need them:
1) Who is the person (or are the people) you feel most comforted by?
I think it's important to make connections with these individuals weekly or daily if possible. Whatever resonates with you, try to coordinate times to reach out. Since we are currently living in times of social distancing, conversing via phone, or any other means of videoconferencing could be your "best friends" during these times. Whenever the world has achieved containing the virus, flattening the curve (see prior blog post for info on this subject), and has returned to normalcy as we once knew it, then visiting these support groups of people and perhaps some doses of hugs could also help provide comfort. For more direction on navigating grief, there are other questions and pathways to consider.
If the answer to this questions is 'no one' and you would rather be alone for awhile, please also consider next set of questions below.
2) How do you feel right now?
You can journal about your feelings each day if you still want to deal with the loss on your own. As long as you are writing whatever is in your heart, it becomes a form of therapy. One day you may decide you no longer need to do so or perhaps are only doing so when you are compelled to. For others, writing may continue as long as they live until their very last day on earth. There really is no right or wrong way to feel. My advice is to let your feelings flow one way or another.
Some people who choose not to write or journal may want to express their feeling through tears, yelling at the top of a mountain (or name some other location), talking out loud to 'empty' spaces, visiting the grave site, or talking to the urn of their loved one. These examples are only to name a few ways, but the best way is to express how you feel in a way that rings true to your soul.
3) What will make you happy at this moment?
From personal experience, the answer used to be: Having that loved one still here, happy and healthy would be great. Sometimes it still is, but we need to remember when that person was alive, there were other things that made us smile. Even if it's as simple as enjoying an ice cream scoop or 2 (your favorite flavor, of course), it would be a step in the direction to getting you back on your feet so-to-speak. If anything happy comes to mind, please try your best to honor these delights. Painting a portrait perhaps? Reading a book from your favorite author(s)? Hobbies? Again, please try to remember what used to cheer you up before the loss or even discovering new joys count just as much.
If the loss is fresh, I can relate to the fact that we may not able to come up with a response to this question for awhile, however I invite all to ask this question daily until some kind of balance is restored. If depression comes into the picture, I highly encourage professional help. I've had to utilize this avenue and the best the way I had done so was by going through my health insurance for assistance with networks.
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My general advice is to be kind to yourself daily if possible. After some time has passed, if readers are open to other views which can help bring closure to their loved ones passing, I have come across books such as Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani which shed light for me. If it helps, I've encouraged that reading to everyone I love and care about. In time, I also read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. While we may not be able to conclude with 100% certainty about the afterlife despite what religion reassures us, I do think what they have to say is worth a listen or read (when and if one is finally ready for that kind of insight). Discussing them though would warrant another blog, but that time will come if enough people are interested. Otherwise you'll just need to read the books yourselves and draw your own conclusions.
Another helpful idea that has come to mind is this clip of what brought comfort and closure to my frequent grieving days: Conversation with Anita Moorjani In my journey through grief, I was somehow led to her messages and I hold a lot of what she says in high regard. This particular clip helped me realize that we need to do what it takes for our own healing purposes through our grief stages. In time I learned to not focus on the loss as much where it takes away my balance and instead focus on what I can do now, daily, monthly or even yearly to honor my father's memories.
I'd further like to conclude with a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye which helps reinforce that our loved ones are still around (also mentioned in the video link):
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
If you are someone who wants to help others with their grief and feel these tips can be helpful, please refer them to this blog post. Meanwhile, I wish all those facing these kinds of tough tragedies on top of these turbulent times--that you find the peace, comfort, and hopefully eventually the joy that is needed for you to become centered again.
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