This can be a sensitive topic, yet the original question was asked by someone who is currently undergoing chemo treatments for a cancer diagnosis: "Truth...about what I've been struggling with lately: Feeling deserving of love when I have cancer. Sometimes I feel guilty about letting people love me because if I let myself be a big part of their lives it'll only hurt so much more when I leave. It makes me wonder: am I actively hurting others if I let them love me?"
My 2 cents (not only to this person, but to all facing similar situations and feelings) are to always take a step back and look at it from an outside perspective. For example, what if you are not the one going through the cancer and treatments? And let's say your best friend, or your brother or sister, close relative, or even one of your parents told you that they had cancer and then asked you not to love him/her anymore so that you won't hurt so much when they leave? Could you honestly walk away to avoid pain? If so, then perhaps this advice blog is not for you. If you are the type to easily walk away to avoid pain and suffering because a loved one may possibly leave the earth at anytime, I invite you to write in the comments to explain if you'd like.
Because from my experience, I have not yet known anyone who has given up loving those that they love despite an "illness." So, by knowing that you yourself would not all of a sudden stop loving/caring for someone close to you, you can then introspect and ask yourself what exactly you have to feel guilty about? You can also ask yourself questions like:
1) Should I continue to feel guilty or should I continue to be grateful and count my blessings?
2) What's more important to me right now?
3) If I were to leave this planet tomorrow, am I happy about my choices today?
4) What makes me smile?
5) How can I move forward with promoting my healing and happiness?
6) What can I do right now that makes me feel empowered?
7) Who do I enjoy being with/talking to?
Answers to some/most/all of those questions should hopefully guide you back to a state of being that you would like to be in and give you reasons to allow people to love you. Death is unfortunately inevitable--everyone left behind will need to face it--whether it's a sudden accident, cancer, illness, or plain old age...so I truly think it won't be in anyone's best interest to dwell too much on hurting others since in the long run, the ones left behind will face the pain and loss regardless. I feel like it's a part of the human experience. I'd say it's better to enjoy life a day at a time! :)
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Disclaimer: As always my feedback is meant to help guide one to their true intuition and not a set "prescribed formula" that goes above any expert analysis. I'm always open to others opinions and constructive feedback.
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Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
How do we deal with people who complain all the time?
First of all there is no "easy" way to deal with people who complain or share negative thoughts and emotions on a constant basis. Depending on the scenario, I've indicated a couple below, along with possible solutions.
Scene 1: You are a college student and your roommate is the culprit. You thought college would be a great experience, however your roommate who was your friend in high school has been complaining about several things. For example, their physical appearance, not being good enough, not getting any good dates, and more. You find yourself having to constantly praise him/her and try your best to continue to find unique ways of uplifting this person. It starts becoming exhausting and you don't know what else to do, so you start to avoid this person, even finding reasons to come home late at night so that you won't have to converse and you can simple say you are tired and get ready for bed.
Solution A:
If the friendship matters to you and you would like to maintain it long term, try to schedule a roommate date for ice/cream or coffee/tea or even a meal (breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner). During this meal, try a heart to heart conversation letting him/her know your concerns. If the friendship also matters to that person, you will notice that he/she will hear you out, and be mindful of what grief they may be causing you and choose to rectify the situation or find a compromise. This talk can also help you decide if the friendship is worth keeping. If the response is not something that feels right and good (for example if the response is that something like your friend is telling you that you are out of your mind, paranoid, or you are being blamed for anything, or other negative outcome), then it's best to take a step back and re-examine the friendship. If this is the case, you may want to let the person know that the friendship is not going to work for you and hope that you can be civil while you finish out the lease agreement.
Solution B:
If the friendship does not matter to you anymore, nor do you feel it's worth investing time repairing, you may go on avoiding if you feel it's the best possible choice and hopefully you both can remain civil with each other until the lease ends.
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Scene 2:
You are a working professional and the negativity comes from one or several coworkers. You may have tried to approach each person individually to no avail or you have tried to bury yourself in your work to ignore any destructive behaviors but perhaps you find yourself noticing cliques that seem to thrive in gossip. However the longer you remain silent, the more you feel tortured whenever you are exposed to others who are either passive aggressive bullies, who complain about the job itself or others, or perhaps when you observe others not doing as much work and getting away with unfavorable actions.
Solution A:
Similar to the above, you may need to ask yourself if maintaining a good working relationship is important to you. If so and if you haven't already, try scheduling a break or meal to try and talk to the person that you interact with the most in your workplace. It would be best to schedule these kind of meetings separately with people so it won't come off as an ambush. Once you reveal your concerns, you will find out soon enough how the discussion goes on how you feel afterwards. If you are left at all feeling like the person does not see eye-to-eye with you or if you feel like the conversation didn't go anywhere, then the next thing to decide is if you would like to continue in that specific workplace. If so, and if the situation continues to get worse, you may want to consider taking your concerns to upper management and move up the chain if need be. It could also help to have a mediator iron out any inequalities in the workplace or any other unfairness you may be experiencing.
Solution B:
If you are the type of person who does not care to maintain civil/good working relationships, and if you would rather bury yourself in your work (especially if you are good and passionate about your job); then even though others are complainers, etc.; you can learn to master the art of not letting anything adverse affect your work! Thus you may continue to ignore everyone bringing you grief for as long as you can handle it or until another promotion lands your way.
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While there may be other possible solutions to each scenario, the solutions offered may help one develop peace of mind, if that is ultimately what is desired. Through my life, I've gone through phases as either an avoider or confronter. If you are a confronter, it helps to have genuine & diplomatic ways of presenting concerns. We are allowed to pick and choose the one that contributes most to our well-being. It would be great to hear other takes on the matter, so don't be shy to add comments!
Scene 1: You are a college student and your roommate is the culprit. You thought college would be a great experience, however your roommate who was your friend in high school has been complaining about several things. For example, their physical appearance, not being good enough, not getting any good dates, and more. You find yourself having to constantly praise him/her and try your best to continue to find unique ways of uplifting this person. It starts becoming exhausting and you don't know what else to do, so you start to avoid this person, even finding reasons to come home late at night so that you won't have to converse and you can simple say you are tired and get ready for bed.
Solution A:
If the friendship matters to you and you would like to maintain it long term, try to schedule a roommate date for ice/cream or coffee/tea or even a meal (breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner). During this meal, try a heart to heart conversation letting him/her know your concerns. If the friendship also matters to that person, you will notice that he/she will hear you out, and be mindful of what grief they may be causing you and choose to rectify the situation or find a compromise. This talk can also help you decide if the friendship is worth keeping. If the response is not something that feels right and good (for example if the response is that something like your friend is telling you that you are out of your mind, paranoid, or you are being blamed for anything, or other negative outcome), then it's best to take a step back and re-examine the friendship. If this is the case, you may want to let the person know that the friendship is not going to work for you and hope that you can be civil while you finish out the lease agreement.
Solution B:
If the friendship does not matter to you anymore, nor do you feel it's worth investing time repairing, you may go on avoiding if you feel it's the best possible choice and hopefully you both can remain civil with each other until the lease ends.
*******************************************
Scene 2:
You are a working professional and the negativity comes from one or several coworkers. You may have tried to approach each person individually to no avail or you have tried to bury yourself in your work to ignore any destructive behaviors but perhaps you find yourself noticing cliques that seem to thrive in gossip. However the longer you remain silent, the more you feel tortured whenever you are exposed to others who are either passive aggressive bullies, who complain about the job itself or others, or perhaps when you observe others not doing as much work and getting away with unfavorable actions.
Solution A:
Similar to the above, you may need to ask yourself if maintaining a good working relationship is important to you. If so and if you haven't already, try scheduling a break or meal to try and talk to the person that you interact with the most in your workplace. It would be best to schedule these kind of meetings separately with people so it won't come off as an ambush. Once you reveal your concerns, you will find out soon enough how the discussion goes on how you feel afterwards. If you are left at all feeling like the person does not see eye-to-eye with you or if you feel like the conversation didn't go anywhere, then the next thing to decide is if you would like to continue in that specific workplace. If so, and if the situation continues to get worse, you may want to consider taking your concerns to upper management and move up the chain if need be. It could also help to have a mediator iron out any inequalities in the workplace or any other unfairness you may be experiencing.
Solution B:
If you are the type of person who does not care to maintain civil/good working relationships, and if you would rather bury yourself in your work (especially if you are good and passionate about your job); then even though others are complainers, etc.; you can learn to master the art of not letting anything adverse affect your work! Thus you may continue to ignore everyone bringing you grief for as long as you can handle it or until another promotion lands your way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While there may be other possible solutions to each scenario, the solutions offered may help one develop peace of mind, if that is ultimately what is desired. Through my life, I've gone through phases as either an avoider or confronter. If you are a confronter, it helps to have genuine & diplomatic ways of presenting concerns. We are allowed to pick and choose the one that contributes most to our well-being. It would be great to hear other takes on the matter, so don't be shy to add comments!
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Family vs. Friends
Here's to Day 7 of 2020!
The following post was inspired by the question "What do I do when my family is not supportive of a decision I believe in but my friends are?"
Without going into too much detail; I feel like I too have gone through similar situations in life where I feel like it would be easier if my family and friends would see eye-to-eye and understand/respect my choices in life. I realized that it's not always going to be the case, so what resonates with me lately are questions I can ask myself in cases like these. For example:
1) What choice will I be able to live with?
2) What matters to me most of all?
3) What will I not look back and regret?
4) If I had a future daughter or son going through this same thing, what would my advice be to him/her?
By answering those questions, we will find answers and know what to do. However, if we answer those questions honestly and don't follow our own advice, we should ask ourselves why not? Why wouldn't we follow the very thing that we would advise those we love? Once one can face these truths will one really learn about oneself.
Basically in the end, the choice is yours, whether you want to follow your friends or family's advice. I am a firm believer in following what our instincts yell at us and probably become "louder" in time. We all have answers within, we all just might need a little guidance getting to what we know we need to do.
The following post was inspired by the question "What do I do when my family is not supportive of a decision I believe in but my friends are?"
Without going into too much detail; I feel like I too have gone through similar situations in life where I feel like it would be easier if my family and friends would see eye-to-eye and understand/respect my choices in life. I realized that it's not always going to be the case, so what resonates with me lately are questions I can ask myself in cases like these. For example:
1) What choice will I be able to live with?
2) What matters to me most of all?
3) What will I not look back and regret?
4) If I had a future daughter or son going through this same thing, what would my advice be to him/her?
By answering those questions, we will find answers and know what to do. However, if we answer those questions honestly and don't follow our own advice, we should ask ourselves why not? Why wouldn't we follow the very thing that we would advise those we love? Once one can face these truths will one really learn about oneself.
Basically in the end, the choice is yours, whether you want to follow your friends or family's advice. I am a firm believer in following what our instincts yell at us and probably become "louder" in time. We all have answers within, we all just might need a little guidance getting to what we know we need to do.
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