Relationships

A recurring theme lately has been in the realm of relationships.  But first, I will start with a disclaimer just in case critics argue that I'm no expert.  And why would anyone listen to me?  To that I will agree, I'm no expert.  As I often say in person as well as in my responses, everything I have to offer is based on my experiences and what I've observed in society all around me at least in these 43 years of existence; thus everything I have to say may be taken with a grain of salt.  I will say though that after a number of trying relationships, I honestly feel like I married my match, someone who offers mutual respect, friendship and love; so if that doesn't count, move on...

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A few questions posed to me on this subject are as follows: [Note, each have specified having monogamous relationships]:

1. Do I have a right to be upset at someone who led me on?
2. How do I get my partner to understand my boundaries?
3. How do I navigate conflict when 2 people have different approaches to conflict?

Let's take the first question.  Of course we all have a right to our own feelings.  And my best advice is to get to the root of the matter.  For example, I asked:

What has led you to believe you were led on?
Did you both define your relationship?
Have you had honest conversations about this definition and your expectations about the relationship?

Typically the answer has been "No, but the other person should have known." or "It doesn't have to be defined, I can tell by how he/she treats me that we should be exclusive."   So then the response to the first question becomes, no, if you assume things, then you don't have a right to be upset.  It's probably been overused, but people aren't mind-readers, so if you are upset about something you haven't even discussed, it's most likely a wasted investment of emotions in my book.

To answer the 2nd question, it seems quite simple. Communicate how you feel to your partner.  If speaking to them in person doesn't seem to do the trick, write them an email or handwritten letter and give it to them.  Typically their response to how you feel determines the tone of how the relationship will go.  More often than not, people won't do any of these actions and become stuck in a cycle of letting certain things go and then getting upset again.  I've noticed it in the ones who decide to ask me advice in person.

When in this kind of situation, the questions one could ask is: 1) Do I value myself enough to end this relationship/friendship and move on to ones more meaningful?  If the honest answer is no, then that may be why people stay in these kind of relationships either just for kicks or because perhaps they don't want to take the chance & move on.  Or they found a greater reason than valuing themselves to stay.

Tackling that 3rd question requires that both parties are willing to work with each others differences in how they approach conflict.  Everyone is raised differently, which makes people shaped a certain way, thus not everyone can be the same especially in handling conflict.

Once they truly understand and love each other and agree to be together in a healthy way, they should both step back and ask each other how they are actually going to change certain behaviors to accommodate the other person?  If the topic of change makes one cringe and the other person feels more like "Can't they just deal with how I am?  This is how I am and I won't change for anyone!"  If that's the response, then I'm not exactly sure how this type of relationship is going to work.  It will work if the other person is truly and honestly OK with 'dealing' with the other.  And believe me, I've seen this type of relationship also--although sometimes with the complaints they tend to have in the future, I tend to wonder if they are truly happy.  For this type to work, one can't expect the other to change until they are ready (or perhaps never at all.)  It's up to whoever may be complaining to accept the other person wholeheartedly.

Basically we all have a choice of who we want to be with and around.  To say that we don't does not sound like a person who has weighed all options, or if they have, they may be afraid of stepping out or being alone.  To those types of individuals, I do challenge them to envision what if their lives end tomorrow?  Would they not regret their choices of today?  If so, why wait any longer if today is our last day?  I tend to ask such grim questions because it's my goal to help those who need a nudge to finding their own inner voice.  Because I believe that we all have the answers within and know what to do.  It's a matter of stepping outside our comfort zones and into the unknown to where we can find our joy.

And that's how I will end today's post.  Choose something joyful daily and you may find more joyous happenstances your way.