Grief is such a heavy topic. There is no "one-size-fits-all" response to this emotion yet I've been asked this question sporadically especially since after June 20, 2012 which is when I experienced and still consider the worst loss of my life--my dearest father--whom I could not imagine a life without. Now this subject is starting to resurface because there are so many experiencing their loved ones who are passing away from this coronavirus that the world is still trying to manage. However due to the prevalent concerns on this issue, I'll take a stab at helping those who need to know how I dealt with mine and how you can find your own ways towards comfort and hopefully peace.
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If you are someone who has just faced the loss of a loved one(s), my heart goes out to you first and foremost. I can't imagine the ordeal, the unpredictability, and the whirlwind of emotions you might be going through. But when you're finally away from all the "noise" of everyone asking what they can do for you, offering condolences, sympathies, and whatever words tend to become overused during those times, you can go through these lists of questions to try and help you refocus back to some kind of balance. [Please note that I don't mean to minimize the people who use cliches during times of tragedy, I'm only relating to that phase of when I was going through my loss and the same words tended to echo throughout the day. In retrospect, I'm sure at the time everyone was doing their best to express their compassion.] That said, here are the questions to those who need them:
1) Who is the person (or are the people) you feel most comforted by?
I think it's important to make connections with these individuals weekly or daily if possible. Whatever resonates with you, try to coordinate times to reach out. Since we are currently living in times of social distancing, conversing via phone, or any other means of videoconferencing could be your "best friends" during these times. Whenever the world has achieved containing the virus, flattening the curve (see prior blog post for info on this subject), and has returned to normalcy as we once knew it, then visiting these support groups of people and perhaps some doses of hugs could also help provide comfort. For more direction on navigating grief, there are other questions and pathways to consider.
If the answer to this questions is 'no one' and you would rather be alone for awhile, please also consider next set of questions below.
2) How do you feel right now?
You can journal about your feelings each day if you still want to deal with the loss on your own. As long as you are writing whatever is in your heart, it becomes a form of therapy. One day you may decide you no longer need to do so or perhaps are only doing so when you are compelled to. For others, writing may continue as long as they live until their very last day on earth. There really is no right or wrong way to feel. My advice is to let your feelings flow one way or another.
Some people who choose not to write or journal may want to express their feeling through tears, yelling at the top of a mountain (or name some other location), talking out loud to 'empty' spaces, visiting the grave site, or talking to the urn of their loved one. These examples are only to name a few ways, but the best way is to express how you feel in a way that rings true to your soul.
3) What will make you happy at this moment?
From personal experience, the answer used to be: Having that loved one still here, happy and healthy would be great. Sometimes it still is, but we need to remember when that person was alive, there were other things that made us smile. Even if it's as simple as enjoying an ice cream scoop or 2 (your favorite flavor, of course), it would be a step in the direction to getting you back on your feet so-to-speak. If anything happy comes to mind, please try your best to honor these delights. Painting a portrait perhaps? Reading a book from your favorite author(s)? Hobbies? Again, please try to remember what used to cheer you up before the loss or even discovering new joys count just as much.
If the loss is fresh, I can relate to the fact that we may not able to come up with a response to this question for awhile, however I invite all to ask this question daily until some kind of balance is restored. If depression comes into the picture, I highly encourage professional help. I've had to utilize this avenue and the best the way I had done so was by going through my health insurance for assistance with networks.
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My general advice is to be kind to yourself daily if possible. After some time has passed, if readers are open to other views which can help bring closure to their loved ones passing, I have come across books such as Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani which shed light for me. If it helps, I've encouraged that reading to everyone I love and care about. In time, I also read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. While we may not be able to conclude with 100% certainty about the afterlife despite what religion reassures us, I do think what they have to say is worth a listen or read (when and if one is finally ready for that kind of insight). Discussing them though would warrant another blog, but that time will come if enough people are interested. Otherwise you'll just need to read the books yourselves and draw your own conclusions.
Another helpful idea that has come to mind is this clip of what brought comfort and closure to my frequent grieving days: Conversation with Anita Moorjani In my journey through grief, I was somehow led to her messages and I hold a lot of what she says in high regard. This particular clip helped me realize that we need to do what it takes for our own healing purposes through our grief stages. In time I learned to not focus on the loss as much where it takes away my balance and instead focus on what I can do now, daily, monthly or even yearly to honor my father's memories.
I'd further like to conclude with a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye which helps reinforce that our loved ones are still around (also mentioned in the video link):
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
If you are someone who wants to help others with their grief and feel these tips can be helpful, please refer them to this blog post. Meanwhile, I wish all those facing these kinds of tough tragedies on top of these turbulent times--that you find the peace, comfort, and hopefully eventually the joy that is needed for you to become centered again.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Friday, March 27, 2020
How do we manage the corona-virus (covid-19) craziness?
I've been asked how I'm dealing with the covid-19 situation and what measures do I think are the best to take. While I know there are many opinions out there, mine are for those who genuinely would like to know how I'm personally handling the situation along with general advice to those who feel like they need another place to turn. It has been brought to my attention that there are so many seemingly contradicting information, propaganda, coupled by confusing actions taken by the public despite the safer-at-home order that was recently issued. The following are my thoughts on how to handle these turbulent times.
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First, if you're finding yourself overwhelmed at this very moment, I invite you to close your eyes briefly and breathe in as much air as you can and release slowly. Repeat at least 3 times, then breathe normally before continuing on. Once you find yourself a bit calmer and open to some (new?) guidance, you may take a moment and go through the following questions & respond honestly (as each individual has their own unique situation):
1) Are you generally an introvert or extrovert?
2) Which sources of information do you trust the most? [This could be experts in the field, weblinks, trusted colleagues, friends, etc.] Are you following the guidelines set forth by your trusted news source(s)/places of employment/schools?
3) How would you like to feel today? What can you do to serve your communities and/or loved ones?
4) Name/list 5 things daily that you are grateful for/appreciative/happy about. [Try to list different moments daily.]
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I have taken it a step further and written some insights and guidelines to possible responses to the questions above.
1) If you answered introvert, the safer-at-home order may not be an issue for you at all. In fact, introverts may find this time useful for having more time for tasks that have been put off--such as cleaning, organizing, learning a new language, or perhaps do-it-yourself (DIY) projects that can be managed at home. There's even a meme going out there about this time being an online video gamer's dream. On a more serious note, you may not want to forget to do something active for at least 30 min - one hour per day, until you feel balanced mentally and physically.
Extroverts may have more of a challenge, however since I'm a mix of both, I find that technology has helped me the most in this area. For example, video-conferencing, social media, and outlets that keep us connected to our loved ones are most helpful when we need that kind of interaction. Taking virtual online classes bring on new meaning as I look forward to yoga and dance at least 2x a week.
I realize not everyone may be privileged enough to have access to high speed internet. It would be my hopes that our government could figure out how to give these populations access especially for underprivileged communities who may need it for themselves or their children's education. Meanwhile, extroverts who do not have such access may try writing letters to friends & loved ones, trying new recipes for family members, catching up with friends and family via phone calls, and going out daily (applying the 6 ft. rule) and smiling at those around the neighborhood or having conversations within a safe distance when taking walks or grocery shopping. If anyone has any more ideas for people who don't have internet, please feel free to write in the comments.
2) I'm one who appreciates and takes seriously the facts given by experts in the field. A few sources I trust are the following:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/22/health/coronavirus-restrictions-us.html
https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-the-hammer-and-the-dance-be9337092b56
https://www.cdc.gov
I also really do appreciate this flyer distributed by my health plan provider: Flyer which not only has general information, but also discusses ways for us to do our part during these urgent times. Hopefully it helps those of you who need it, but please ignore phone numbers on the flyer especially if we don't have the same health plan.
3) There will definitely be unique answers to this one. My response has consistently been in line with "Safe and healthy." Without both, I would not be able to work my day job, serve the community or help those who need it. What I have done is use technology to keep in touch with loved ones, thus following the social distancing methods. I call my mother every day as she lives alone and I work with my siblings to get her the things she needs, as she fits the definition of high risk for the covid-19 virus. Whatever response you give to this question will determine how you feel and carry out your days.
4) This too will vary from person to person. I challenge and highly encourage you to make this a daily routine until the curve is flattened and our lives are restored to normalcy. (Some people choose to list 3 or up to 10. Feel free to modify it so you have at least more than 1 highlights per day.)
If anyone is curious about what my 5 lately have been. Here goes: a) Being able to work from home. b) Finding laughter each day. c) Air is fresher outside. d) Speaking to loved ones daily. e) Slowing down and discovering what's most important.
Please keep in mind that extreme anxiety and even depression calls for professionals so I highly encourage you, if you are in this group to do research in your area for a support group. Otherwise I managed to find the following: "If you are feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, call 1-800-854-7771 or text "LA" to 741741."
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First, if you're finding yourself overwhelmed at this very moment, I invite you to close your eyes briefly and breathe in as much air as you can and release slowly. Repeat at least 3 times, then breathe normally before continuing on. Once you find yourself a bit calmer and open to some (new?) guidance, you may take a moment and go through the following questions & respond honestly (as each individual has their own unique situation):
1) Are you generally an introvert or extrovert?
2) Which sources of information do you trust the most? [This could be experts in the field, weblinks, trusted colleagues, friends, etc.] Are you following the guidelines set forth by your trusted news source(s)/places of employment/schools?
3) How would you like to feel today? What can you do to serve your communities and/or loved ones?
4) Name/list 5 things daily that you are grateful for/appreciative/happy about. [Try to list different moments daily.]
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I have taken it a step further and written some insights and guidelines to possible responses to the questions above.
1) If you answered introvert, the safer-at-home order may not be an issue for you at all. In fact, introverts may find this time useful for having more time for tasks that have been put off--such as cleaning, organizing, learning a new language, or perhaps do-it-yourself (DIY) projects that can be managed at home. There's even a meme going out there about this time being an online video gamer's dream. On a more serious note, you may not want to forget to do something active for at least 30 min - one hour per day, until you feel balanced mentally and physically.
Extroverts may have more of a challenge, however since I'm a mix of both, I find that technology has helped me the most in this area. For example, video-conferencing, social media, and outlets that keep us connected to our loved ones are most helpful when we need that kind of interaction. Taking virtual online classes bring on new meaning as I look forward to yoga and dance at least 2x a week.
I realize not everyone may be privileged enough to have access to high speed internet. It would be my hopes that our government could figure out how to give these populations access especially for underprivileged communities who may need it for themselves or their children's education. Meanwhile, extroverts who do not have such access may try writing letters to friends & loved ones, trying new recipes for family members, catching up with friends and family via phone calls, and going out daily (applying the 6 ft. rule) and smiling at those around the neighborhood or having conversations within a safe distance when taking walks or grocery shopping. If anyone has any more ideas for people who don't have internet, please feel free to write in the comments.
2) I'm one who appreciates and takes seriously the facts given by experts in the field. A few sources I trust are the following:
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/22/health/coronavirus-restrictions-us.html
https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-the-hammer-and-the-dance-be9337092b56
https://www.cdc.gov
I also really do appreciate this flyer distributed by my health plan provider: Flyer which not only has general information, but also discusses ways for us to do our part during these urgent times. Hopefully it helps those of you who need it, but please ignore phone numbers on the flyer especially if we don't have the same health plan.
3) There will definitely be unique answers to this one. My response has consistently been in line with "Safe and healthy." Without both, I would not be able to work my day job, serve the community or help those who need it. What I have done is use technology to keep in touch with loved ones, thus following the social distancing methods. I call my mother every day as she lives alone and I work with my siblings to get her the things she needs, as she fits the definition of high risk for the covid-19 virus. Whatever response you give to this question will determine how you feel and carry out your days.
4) This too will vary from person to person. I challenge and highly encourage you to make this a daily routine until the curve is flattened and our lives are restored to normalcy. (Some people choose to list 3 or up to 10. Feel free to modify it so you have at least more than 1 highlights per day.)
If anyone is curious about what my 5 lately have been. Here goes: a) Being able to work from home. b) Finding laughter each day. c) Air is fresher outside. d) Speaking to loved ones daily. e) Slowing down and discovering what's most important.
Please keep in mind that extreme anxiety and even depression calls for professionals so I highly encourage you, if you are in this group to do research in your area for a support group. Otherwise I managed to find the following: "If you are feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, call 1-800-854-7771 or text "LA" to 741741."
I would also like to conclude this post with a quote from my favorite author and spiritual mentor, Anita Moorjani pertaining to the pandemic. She says, "I just want to gently remind everyone that the best thing we can all do for ourselves, our families, and our immune system is to stay calm and find peace in all of this. I'm not asking you to be irresponsible, but it's not necessary to constantly be in panic mode or survival mode. Remember we are all in this together - so let's all take a breath, and treat this as an opportunity to slow down. It's not just happening to a few random people - it's all of us. We can meditate, pray or send energy to all of those on the front lines of this, and those who are directly affected. We can offer our help where we can, picking up groceries for those who can't do it for themselves. We can focus on improving our own health and our immune system, and act responsibly if we are feeling unwell at all. We can offer support to those who may be losing their jobs through this, or ask for support if you are the one who is struggling. In fact, there is a LOT that we CAN do! The one thing that is pointless is if all of us went into survival mode, because that's what brings out the worst in us! It doesn't help the situation, and doesn't help our immune system either! ....When we realize we are all in this together, it will pass with more ease and grace."
Friday, February 21, 2020
How do we deal with "millenials"?
This post actually comes from a someone who has asked how to deal with millenials in the workplace. The scenario in this case comes from someone, (a Gen Xer) in a work environment who has noticed that her coworker (a millenial) constantly comes in late, will call out sick, and/or behave with entitlement. Both individuals are up for tenure in their positions and the Gen Xer claims to be just the opposite--showing up to work on time, getting the job done, and seeks to cultivate a cooperative work environment. It can be frustrating for this Gen Xer who is showing up on time, gets her work done diligently, to observe the millenial seemingly charm the upper management team. This team would be the ones in charge of eventually granting both tenure. The Gen Xer feels that millenials are spoiled and entitled.
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Even though millenials and Gen X are a different generation, I feel like it doesn't matter what the labels are because it sounds like the issue is really between coworkers in the same work environment. And I do think that these types of feelings can occur between people of the same generation as well.
However, this is the first time I felt a bit challenged because I have never been "up for tenure" at my day job, so in that sense I wasn't even sure I should be giving advice. However despite not having experience in this kind of position, my own intuition asked the Gen Xer questions such as:
1) Are you friends with your coworker? "No"
2) Are you willing to talk to the millenial about your concerns? "No"
3) Does the millenial get her work done? "Maybe, not sure."
4) Why do you care so much about what the millenial is doing? "I don't know, maybe because it will affect our program and if she's tenured, I foresee her being a pain." <I gathered that by pain, the millenial would continue to slack or worse--such as acting even more entitled.>
I did explain that once the Gen Xer became clear about why she cared so much about what the millenial was doing or not doing, she would then understand the root of her annoyance (perhaps it's not about the other person being a millenial after all). And once the Gen Xer gained clarity on why she was annoyed, it would help her figure out her next course of action.
To the advice above, the Gen Xer thanked me and commented that she didn't want to care and would try and get to a point of not caring. The Gen Xer also mentioned that she would take my questions into consideration and work through it. I can only hope she has by now and in case the Gen Xer is still in limbo with what to do, if anyone else has anything to add, or other advice to offer, hopefully it can make its way to the comments.
If the Gen Xer is reading, here are more questions that came to mind:
a) Do others notice and feel the same?
b) Are you willing to bring these concerns to upper management or to the committee who will decide tenure?
c) Why not give it some time and reassess every 2-3 months on whether or not the behaviors are improving?
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Overall, I don't think this was really a case of millenials vs. Gen X, but instead between two individuals in a workplace. I have met Gex Xers who act in this manner and so that's why I feel it's all relative. Hopefully this post will be also be useful for students in college who are about to graduate and apply to jobs. May you strive for and attain positions that motivate you to go to work each morning, where you feel happy with your team. If ever you encounter similar troubles, visit this blogpost, or continue to follow what resonates within.
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Even though millenials and Gen X are a different generation, I feel like it doesn't matter what the labels are because it sounds like the issue is really between coworkers in the same work environment. And I do think that these types of feelings can occur between people of the same generation as well.
However, this is the first time I felt a bit challenged because I have never been "up for tenure" at my day job, so in that sense I wasn't even sure I should be giving advice. However despite not having experience in this kind of position, my own intuition asked the Gen Xer questions such as:
1) Are you friends with your coworker? "No"
2) Are you willing to talk to the millenial about your concerns? "No"
3) Does the millenial get her work done? "Maybe, not sure."
4) Why do you care so much about what the millenial is doing? "I don't know, maybe because it will affect our program and if she's tenured, I foresee her being a pain." <I gathered that by pain, the millenial would continue to slack or worse--such as acting even more entitled.>
I did explain that once the Gen Xer became clear about why she cared so much about what the millenial was doing or not doing, she would then understand the root of her annoyance (perhaps it's not about the other person being a millenial after all). And once the Gen Xer gained clarity on why she was annoyed, it would help her figure out her next course of action.
To the advice above, the Gen Xer thanked me and commented that she didn't want to care and would try and get to a point of not caring. The Gen Xer also mentioned that she would take my questions into consideration and work through it. I can only hope she has by now and in case the Gen Xer is still in limbo with what to do, if anyone else has anything to add, or other advice to offer, hopefully it can make its way to the comments.
If the Gen Xer is reading, here are more questions that came to mind:
a) Do others notice and feel the same?
b) Are you willing to bring these concerns to upper management or to the committee who will decide tenure?
c) Why not give it some time and reassess every 2-3 months on whether or not the behaviors are improving?
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Overall, I don't think this was really a case of millenials vs. Gen X, but instead between two individuals in a workplace. I have met Gex Xers who act in this manner and so that's why I feel it's all relative. Hopefully this post will be also be useful for students in college who are about to graduate and apply to jobs. May you strive for and attain positions that motivate you to go to work each morning, where you feel happy with your team. If ever you encounter similar troubles, visit this blogpost, or continue to follow what resonates within.
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Tuesday, February 11, 2020
How do we figure out what career path to pursue after college?
If you are a current student at any university, whether it be a City College, State, or other 4 year institution, my gut reaction is for you to visit your school's career center and make an appointment.
For those who would like my 2 cents, read on...
For those who would like my 2 cents, read on...
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Here are some questions that may help answer such a question:
1. What would you do if you had ten million dollars right now?
You can list things you would purchase, trips you would take, and anything you can think of!Feel free to write freely on what you would do with the money or some of the money. Once you get most of your ideas out of your system, the next step is answering the following:
2. What would you do with the rest of the money?
Here's where you can be creative, such as: Investing in XYZ (you name it), building a center to help abused children, starting a business to help others ABC (you name it), etc. So in answering this question, you can learn more about yourself and what you truly care about.
Feel free to do a check in with these questions whenever you might feel stuck about what you want to do with your life if you had or even have unlimited funds!
In time, your passions will reveal itself.
<Again, you can always continue to ask yourself this question as a check-point in future years because the responses may change as you become exposed to more people, situations, and networks in your lifetime.>
Feel free to do a check in with these questions whenever you might feel stuck about what you want to do with your life if you had or even have unlimited funds!
In time, your passions will reveal itself.
<Again, you can always continue to ask yourself this question as a check-point in future years because the responses may change as you become exposed to more people, situations, and networks in your lifetime.>
Once you have your answers, you can start doing research on companies that match your visions. You can set up informational interviews and speak to people who work at those specific industries and ask them how that particular business either started or even how to intern at that job site..
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The following situation is featured in order to help those who may have more of an idea of what they want but also some struggles along the way. As promised, emails sent directly to me will never have identifying factors, such as names or names of the university (Note: Person was in their first year in college):
Today was a day where I definitely rethought all of my life choices and what path I want to go on.
For a while I thought I wanted to be a consultant because of working with a team and learning a lot about different industries. However, I realized that's a bit of a fantasy and day to day is more just making powerpoints that look nice and researching shallowly and uninterestingly about the industry. I'm still interested because there are certainly pros but I guess I'm disappointed because I finally found something and I can't think of much that would make me happy. I think being a teacher would be fulfilling but I can't help but think I need to go for more competitive roles because if I don't go for it now then I can never get it as opposed to a teacher role. Also, I want to maybe start my own learning center or college counseling business but I'm scared that will make me work with a small group of people and I want to meet a significant other in the work field. I know that makes me sound kind of juvenile but I just wanted to be upfront with my life problems. I don't want to feel like I'd only like 3 jobs but honestly I don't know about much.
I'm not sure if knowing more types of careers would be helpful, but I admittedly have a very elementary school level of the many, many types of jobs out there and I really want to find something for me. The most disappointing part is I genuinely am interested in everything yet so many jobs seem so stressful or boring or not for me and I just want to find something I can see myself doing for a while.
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My response:
I will say that as a freshman, you don't have to decide today what path to go on in life! It's great that you are already thinking about it so you can try to prepare early on. It also sounds like you have a lot of interests which is good, but a great way to really know if you will like something is to try and shadow someone in that position or schedule informational interviews in companies that you've researched online to find out what a consultant does on a day to day basis, what steps they took to get there, and how you can prepare for such a position (beginning now or when you have time).
Since management consulting is not my area of expertise, you can always visit your school's Career Center and make an appointment with one of their counselors in the field you want to get into. They usually are connected with companies and can also help assess what you would excel in. You may also inquire within to see if there is an Alumni network that will allow you to shadow people in their current workplace.
As for starting your own learning center or college counseling center, there are some steps to consider. Once again, you may research ones that you are intrigued by and do your best to shadow or set up informational interviews with employers in those industry. Take detailed notes and keep them with you for future reference.
Or if there are no such existing centers, have you thought about perhaps reaching out to other students who may have similar interests? Once you have enough students, try finding a club that are already networking with your dream careers. If not any exist, you may consider finding students with similar interest and work your way into forming a new club. Feel free to look into your school's process on how to do so. You may need to establish your own constitution. As for meeting a significant other in your chosen field, it's definitely highly possible depending on the company's policies. My advice is not to stress too much about this part of your life because the greatest relationships manifest when you are happy,thriving, and in most cases when you aren't looking for one. At least that's how it was in the late 90s and early 2000s. Nowadays there are dating apps,so if you are open and actively looking, you don't have to wait for your workplace to find the person who you want to share your life with.
If anything, try not to let your fears stop you from getting all the information you need to make bigger decisions later in life. Please also try not to be hard on yourself. You should be proud you took a step in helping organize your thoughts/path in life. Nothing is wrong with having many interests and I think you have plenty of time to figure out what you are most passionate about. One helpful method when one is feeling overwhelmed is to write a list of your top 5 or top 10 interests. Go down the list and take notes on each as I've mentioned above. Once you know how to get to those points, you will most likely narrow down to your top 3. From there, you will need to assess and evaluate which steps are most feasible for you to take considering your budget and time. Before you know it, you may find your career unfolding in front of you.
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Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Do we deserve to be loved despite knowing we have limited time here?
This can be a sensitive topic, yet the original question was asked by someone who is currently undergoing chemo treatments for a cancer diagnosis: "Truth...about what I've been struggling with lately: Feeling deserving of love when I have cancer. Sometimes I feel guilty about letting people love me because if I let myself be a big part of their lives it'll only hurt so much more when I leave. It makes me wonder: am I actively hurting others if I let them love me?"
My 2 cents (not only to this person, but to all facing similar situations and feelings) are to always take a step back and look at it from an outside perspective. For example, what if you are not the one going through the cancer and treatments? And let's say your best friend, or your brother or sister, close relative, or even one of your parents told you that they had cancer and then asked you not to love him/her anymore so that you won't hurt so much when they leave? Could you honestly walk away to avoid pain? If so, then perhaps this advice blog is not for you. If you are the type to easily walk away to avoid pain and suffering because a loved one may possibly leave the earth at anytime, I invite you to write in the comments to explain if you'd like.
Because from my experience, I have not yet known anyone who has given up loving those that they love despite an "illness." So, by knowing that you yourself would not all of a sudden stop loving/caring for someone close to you, you can then introspect and ask yourself what exactly you have to feel guilty about? You can also ask yourself questions like:
1) Should I continue to feel guilty or should I continue to be grateful and count my blessings?
2) What's more important to me right now?
3) If I were to leave this planet tomorrow, am I happy about my choices today?
4) What makes me smile?
5) How can I move forward with promoting my healing and happiness?
6) What can I do right now that makes me feel empowered?
7) Who do I enjoy being with/talking to?
Answers to some/most/all of those questions should hopefully guide you back to a state of being that you would like to be in and give you reasons to allow people to love you. Death is unfortunately inevitable--everyone left behind will need to face it--whether it's a sudden accident, cancer, illness, or plain old age...so I truly think it won't be in anyone's best interest to dwell too much on hurting others since in the long run, the ones left behind will face the pain and loss regardless. I feel like it's a part of the human experience. I'd say it's better to enjoy life a day at a time! :)
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Disclaimer: As always my feedback is meant to help guide one to their true intuition and not a set "prescribed formula" that goes above any expert analysis. I'm always open to others opinions and constructive feedback.
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My 2 cents (not only to this person, but to all facing similar situations and feelings) are to always take a step back and look at it from an outside perspective. For example, what if you are not the one going through the cancer and treatments? And let's say your best friend, or your brother or sister, close relative, or even one of your parents told you that they had cancer and then asked you not to love him/her anymore so that you won't hurt so much when they leave? Could you honestly walk away to avoid pain? If so, then perhaps this advice blog is not for you. If you are the type to easily walk away to avoid pain and suffering because a loved one may possibly leave the earth at anytime, I invite you to write in the comments to explain if you'd like.
Because from my experience, I have not yet known anyone who has given up loving those that they love despite an "illness." So, by knowing that you yourself would not all of a sudden stop loving/caring for someone close to you, you can then introspect and ask yourself what exactly you have to feel guilty about? You can also ask yourself questions like:
1) Should I continue to feel guilty or should I continue to be grateful and count my blessings?
2) What's more important to me right now?
3) If I were to leave this planet tomorrow, am I happy about my choices today?
4) What makes me smile?
5) How can I move forward with promoting my healing and happiness?
6) What can I do right now that makes me feel empowered?
7) Who do I enjoy being with/talking to?
Answers to some/most/all of those questions should hopefully guide you back to a state of being that you would like to be in and give you reasons to allow people to love you. Death is unfortunately inevitable--everyone left behind will need to face it--whether it's a sudden accident, cancer, illness, or plain old age...so I truly think it won't be in anyone's best interest to dwell too much on hurting others since in the long run, the ones left behind will face the pain and loss regardless. I feel like it's a part of the human experience. I'd say it's better to enjoy life a day at a time! :)
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Disclaimer: As always my feedback is meant to help guide one to their true intuition and not a set "prescribed formula" that goes above any expert analysis. I'm always open to others opinions and constructive feedback.
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Tuesday, January 21, 2020
How do we deal with people who complain all the time?
First of all there is no "easy" way to deal with people who complain or share negative thoughts and emotions on a constant basis. Depending on the scenario, I've indicated a couple below, along with possible solutions.
Scene 1: You are a college student and your roommate is the culprit. You thought college would be a great experience, however your roommate who was your friend in high school has been complaining about several things. For example, their physical appearance, not being good enough, not getting any good dates, and more. You find yourself having to constantly praise him/her and try your best to continue to find unique ways of uplifting this person. It starts becoming exhausting and you don't know what else to do, so you start to avoid this person, even finding reasons to come home late at night so that you won't have to converse and you can simple say you are tired and get ready for bed.
Solution A:
If the friendship matters to you and you would like to maintain it long term, try to schedule a roommate date for ice/cream or coffee/tea or even a meal (breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner). During this meal, try a heart to heart conversation letting him/her know your concerns. If the friendship also matters to that person, you will notice that he/she will hear you out, and be mindful of what grief they may be causing you and choose to rectify the situation or find a compromise. This talk can also help you decide if the friendship is worth keeping. If the response is not something that feels right and good (for example if the response is that something like your friend is telling you that you are out of your mind, paranoid, or you are being blamed for anything, or other negative outcome), then it's best to take a step back and re-examine the friendship. If this is the case, you may want to let the person know that the friendship is not going to work for you and hope that you can be civil while you finish out the lease agreement.
Solution B:
If the friendship does not matter to you anymore, nor do you feel it's worth investing time repairing, you may go on avoiding if you feel it's the best possible choice and hopefully you both can remain civil with each other until the lease ends.
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Scene 2:
You are a working professional and the negativity comes from one or several coworkers. You may have tried to approach each person individually to no avail or you have tried to bury yourself in your work to ignore any destructive behaviors but perhaps you find yourself noticing cliques that seem to thrive in gossip. However the longer you remain silent, the more you feel tortured whenever you are exposed to others who are either passive aggressive bullies, who complain about the job itself or others, or perhaps when you observe others not doing as much work and getting away with unfavorable actions.
Solution A:
Similar to the above, you may need to ask yourself if maintaining a good working relationship is important to you. If so and if you haven't already, try scheduling a break or meal to try and talk to the person that you interact with the most in your workplace. It would be best to schedule these kind of meetings separately with people so it won't come off as an ambush. Once you reveal your concerns, you will find out soon enough how the discussion goes on how you feel afterwards. If you are left at all feeling like the person does not see eye-to-eye with you or if you feel like the conversation didn't go anywhere, then the next thing to decide is if you would like to continue in that specific workplace. If so, and if the situation continues to get worse, you may want to consider taking your concerns to upper management and move up the chain if need be. It could also help to have a mediator iron out any inequalities in the workplace or any other unfairness you may be experiencing.
Solution B:
If you are the type of person who does not care to maintain civil/good working relationships, and if you would rather bury yourself in your work (especially if you are good and passionate about your job); then even though others are complainers, etc.; you can learn to master the art of not letting anything adverse affect your work! Thus you may continue to ignore everyone bringing you grief for as long as you can handle it or until another promotion lands your way.
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While there may be other possible solutions to each scenario, the solutions offered may help one develop peace of mind, if that is ultimately what is desired. Through my life, I've gone through phases as either an avoider or confronter. If you are a confronter, it helps to have genuine & diplomatic ways of presenting concerns. We are allowed to pick and choose the one that contributes most to our well-being. It would be great to hear other takes on the matter, so don't be shy to add comments!
Scene 1: You are a college student and your roommate is the culprit. You thought college would be a great experience, however your roommate who was your friend in high school has been complaining about several things. For example, their physical appearance, not being good enough, not getting any good dates, and more. You find yourself having to constantly praise him/her and try your best to continue to find unique ways of uplifting this person. It starts becoming exhausting and you don't know what else to do, so you start to avoid this person, even finding reasons to come home late at night so that you won't have to converse and you can simple say you are tired and get ready for bed.
Solution A:
If the friendship matters to you and you would like to maintain it long term, try to schedule a roommate date for ice/cream or coffee/tea or even a meal (breakfast, brunch, lunch, or dinner). During this meal, try a heart to heart conversation letting him/her know your concerns. If the friendship also matters to that person, you will notice that he/she will hear you out, and be mindful of what grief they may be causing you and choose to rectify the situation or find a compromise. This talk can also help you decide if the friendship is worth keeping. If the response is not something that feels right and good (for example if the response is that something like your friend is telling you that you are out of your mind, paranoid, or you are being blamed for anything, or other negative outcome), then it's best to take a step back and re-examine the friendship. If this is the case, you may want to let the person know that the friendship is not going to work for you and hope that you can be civil while you finish out the lease agreement.
Solution B:
If the friendship does not matter to you anymore, nor do you feel it's worth investing time repairing, you may go on avoiding if you feel it's the best possible choice and hopefully you both can remain civil with each other until the lease ends.
*******************************************
Scene 2:
You are a working professional and the negativity comes from one or several coworkers. You may have tried to approach each person individually to no avail or you have tried to bury yourself in your work to ignore any destructive behaviors but perhaps you find yourself noticing cliques that seem to thrive in gossip. However the longer you remain silent, the more you feel tortured whenever you are exposed to others who are either passive aggressive bullies, who complain about the job itself or others, or perhaps when you observe others not doing as much work and getting away with unfavorable actions.
Solution A:
Similar to the above, you may need to ask yourself if maintaining a good working relationship is important to you. If so and if you haven't already, try scheduling a break or meal to try and talk to the person that you interact with the most in your workplace. It would be best to schedule these kind of meetings separately with people so it won't come off as an ambush. Once you reveal your concerns, you will find out soon enough how the discussion goes on how you feel afterwards. If you are left at all feeling like the person does not see eye-to-eye with you or if you feel like the conversation didn't go anywhere, then the next thing to decide is if you would like to continue in that specific workplace. If so, and if the situation continues to get worse, you may want to consider taking your concerns to upper management and move up the chain if need be. It could also help to have a mediator iron out any inequalities in the workplace or any other unfairness you may be experiencing.
Solution B:
If you are the type of person who does not care to maintain civil/good working relationships, and if you would rather bury yourself in your work (especially if you are good and passionate about your job); then even though others are complainers, etc.; you can learn to master the art of not letting anything adverse affect your work! Thus you may continue to ignore everyone bringing you grief for as long as you can handle it or until another promotion lands your way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While there may be other possible solutions to each scenario, the solutions offered may help one develop peace of mind, if that is ultimately what is desired. Through my life, I've gone through phases as either an avoider or confronter. If you are a confronter, it helps to have genuine & diplomatic ways of presenting concerns. We are allowed to pick and choose the one that contributes most to our well-being. It would be great to hear other takes on the matter, so don't be shy to add comments!
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
Family vs. Friends
Here's to Day 7 of 2020!
The following post was inspired by the question "What do I do when my family is not supportive of a decision I believe in but my friends are?"
Without going into too much detail; I feel like I too have gone through similar situations in life where I feel like it would be easier if my family and friends would see eye-to-eye and understand/respect my choices in life. I realized that it's not always going to be the case, so what resonates with me lately are questions I can ask myself in cases like these. For example:
1) What choice will I be able to live with?
2) What matters to me most of all?
3) What will I not look back and regret?
4) If I had a future daughter or son going through this same thing, what would my advice be to him/her?
By answering those questions, we will find answers and know what to do. However, if we answer those questions honestly and don't follow our own advice, we should ask ourselves why not? Why wouldn't we follow the very thing that we would advise those we love? Once one can face these truths will one really learn about oneself.
Basically in the end, the choice is yours, whether you want to follow your friends or family's advice. I am a firm believer in following what our instincts yell at us and probably become "louder" in time. We all have answers within, we all just might need a little guidance getting to what we know we need to do.
The following post was inspired by the question "What do I do when my family is not supportive of a decision I believe in but my friends are?"
Without going into too much detail; I feel like I too have gone through similar situations in life where I feel like it would be easier if my family and friends would see eye-to-eye and understand/respect my choices in life. I realized that it's not always going to be the case, so what resonates with me lately are questions I can ask myself in cases like these. For example:
1) What choice will I be able to live with?
2) What matters to me most of all?
3) What will I not look back and regret?
4) If I had a future daughter or son going through this same thing, what would my advice be to him/her?
By answering those questions, we will find answers and know what to do. However, if we answer those questions honestly and don't follow our own advice, we should ask ourselves why not? Why wouldn't we follow the very thing that we would advise those we love? Once one can face these truths will one really learn about oneself.
Basically in the end, the choice is yours, whether you want to follow your friends or family's advice. I am a firm believer in following what our instincts yell at us and probably become "louder" in time. We all have answers within, we all just might need a little guidance getting to what we know we need to do.
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