Anxiety management

"How did you deal with anxiety?"

This question comes from a 12 year old who asked me how I dealt with anxiety at that age. After being asked this, I had to stop and think carefully because I was a 12 year old in the 1980s and I realized that being 12 in 2024 is a completely different story from back then. We are currently immersed in a world with new slang, social media, and ways of living but even though this is the case, I realize being 12 is still a phase of life where it would have been nice to have tools to navigate this ever changing world. Now I can think about what I wish I could have known then what I know now and share what I hope will help.

I hope the following thoughts shared below will be of use to anyone at any age or to those who are starting to have such kind of feelings.

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To begin, anxiety is "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome" as defined by the online dictionary (Anxiety Definition) 

And these were a few questions I had asked before offering advice: a) How did you know it was anxiety? b)What were you doing at the time of feeling that certain kind of way? c) What were you feeling at that time? d) What did you do about it then?

In my line of questioning this person, it turns out that many things had gone through their mind such as feelings of not being good enough for the test they were taking at the time along with other inferior feelings that were overwhelming; accompanied by blurry vision and the feeling of being sick. After this person was removed from the situation (picked up from school), the person started feeling better. Thus, this situation is how anxiety was determined. 

To manage these kind of feelings, I did suggest a couple of things:

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1.Take some deep breaths maybe 10 of them with slow exhales.

(I still suggest this action especially if the anxiety is happening during taking a school exam.  I wish I knew this technique at that age because when we can't control our thoughts, we can at least take control of our breaths. In doing so, the hope is that the thoughts will diminish and go away completely.)

What I would like to add to this advice is that if the breaths do not work at the moment and the thoughts are still there, maybe shake your head as the thoughts are coming in and replace them with these thoughts "I got this. I am smart enough. And if I get any of these answers wrong, I can just learn from them."  

2. Journaling. 

(Writing out the thoughts that are occupying your brain should help at least get them on a piece of paper and then you can rip up the paper later when those thoughts are released. Ripping them up can be a symbol of you empowering yourself never to have those feelings bother you again. Or you can keep writing your feelings in a locked diary or book just so they can be released and not bottled up inside.)

3. Exercising.

(Finding a workout routine that brings you happiness and joy can work wonders. There may be a science behind it too, but I'm currently speaking from personal experience that when I continue to find time for exercise, I don't feel anxiety and stress as much as when I don't find time for exercise. And the 'trick'  in my opinion is not to overdo the exercise. As my father liked to remind us when my siblings and I were growing up, "Anything in excess is bad and can kill us." So that thought creeps up from time to time if I overdo anything. So if anything just do what you can :)

4. Eating a balanced diet.

(Growing up, to me this idea meant having at least breakfast, lunch and dinner--and at each meal having one of each of the 4 basic food groups such as a dairy product, whole grain group [such as bread or other wheat products], fruits, & veggies.) I'm not sure what it is these days as people now go on different kinds of diets. I can only hope they are following an expert's advice such as a dietician because you'll want to make sure your body and organs are getting as much nutrients as possible because this is a critical age when we need those vitamins the most. You'll thank yourself when you are older!)

5. Having at least 8 hours of sleep.

(This was a challenge when I was in high school, however before high school, my father always made sure we  (all his kids) were in bed at 8pm. If you can't have 8 hours of sleep, hopefully you can have at least 7, but 8 is ideal.)

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After the advice was given, I explained that I had only applied  # 2 - 5 from the above but I wish I knew about the breathing technique along with replacing my negative thoughts. It's helping me more now whenever I have anxiety but back then I didn't know or no one told me that was an option! I will admit that I didn't do the writing down and ripping technique as I suggested because I honestly just thought of it. I said to rip them afterwards just in case reading them back another time makes you feel anxiety all over again. So if you keep your written thoughts like I did, maybe don't read unless you feel like you have managed your anxiety a lot better and it never or hardly ever gets to that level again. So if and when you read it again in the future, at least you can compare how much better you are doing now versus before! Yay :)

Later, we had a side conversation which led to the discovery that in this day and age at the age of 12 or younger, kids may reveal secrets from their (home?) life that may be traumatic to other children. In my opinion, such secrets would be better suited for a professional. Kids should not have to carry this kind of "weight" but the reality is that some of them are. If this is you and you are under the age of 18 years old, please know that when others tell you things such as they wish they were never born or other things that make you feel uneasy, an appropriate thing to maybe say  is "I wish I knew how to help, but please speak to a trusted adult." Or something like that. They should know that you don't have all the answers (yet) and if they tell you they don't have a trusted adult to go to, try to refer them to read this advice blog and to try the steps above. 

If they have tried that and they still feel troubled, or worse, if you feel they can hurt themselves, please share with them that there are places resources other than this blog such as this one: Suicide prevention

Another question that came up after a discussion was along the lines of "How do you know if you should talk to a person or groups of people or not?" And my general rule of thumb in choosing (close) friends or deciding on who to talk to, feel free to ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you feel like talking to the person or persons?

2. How does it feel when you talk to them?

2. Does what they say and share help me learn good things even if we are different?

3. Even if we are different, do I feel respected/valued when we talk to each other?

If you don't like the answers to these questions, then these may not be the type of people you want in your close circle of friends. If you cannot avoid them and they are in your class, that's ok. If they bother you or interrupt you when you are trying to learn from the teacher, let them know your boundaries in a respectful way. 

Something I learned later in life is that it's OK if not everyone is a close friend. These are what we call acquaintances which are basically people we know. And then there are our close friends--People who always make you feel heard, even if you have different upbringing and backgrounds and of course you genuinely offer the same for them. A friendship works both ways and no one ever should want the other to feel sad/bad. 

To close out, remember that it's not our job to make others happy if they are the ones causing us to get sick or feel anxiety.  Overall, these are the ways I have survived this so called life so far and I'd like to think I'm on the right track. If you have any other questions, feel free to send them here: Need advice? Hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Social skills and careers

Hopefully readers by now recall that I am basing all my advice on my life experiences (which I'd roughly count as about 29 years of when I grew independent and left home for college). So to those that are still open to my feedback is a reason I continue on writing and sharing my advice. Since there are a number of career questions that arise, I hope I've provided enough content in previous posts to help guide you toward your ideal career. However, there was a recent question that was asked in the area of careers that I have not explored before, which was "What does one do when someone may not have enough or any social skills at all when applying to jobs?"

The question came in after a person with little to no social skills applied for a position but did not get the offer.

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Before we dive into the advice, it's always best to define what it means to have social skills. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, social skills are "a set of learned abilities that enable an individual to interact competently and appropriately in a given social context." Additionally, social skills " are used to communicate with others daily in a variety of ways including verbal, nonverbal, and written..." as quoted here: Career Guide So, let's next presume the advice will be more for those who show a lack of these traits.

The idea that pops into my head when I am asked these kinds of questions is that "We all start from somewhere." Thus in this case, if there is something a person is interested in career-wise and would like to pursue it, yet there might be a responsibility they have never applied before or may have very little experience in, then I think as long as you are willing to learn it, there will always be a starting point. So, if one has little to no social skills while also recognizing it, that same person has to be willing to take the first step at cultivating it.

Otherwise if there is no motivation to grow that skill or social skills are not one's strong suit, then one advice would be to find a job that will not require social skills at all or will require less of it. For example, if a job requires a person to answer phones but that is not something an individual would like to do, then seek another job that does not have answering phones as a requirement. This person may want to opt for email correspondence instead. However, I think it's practical to keep in mind that even if you find a job that has all your ideal duties, you would still need to showcase your best social skills during the interview. (Please refer to my previous post on careers for resources such as Interview tips: Career tips continued)

Having been in the workforce for several years and in different positions since 1994; it's difficult for me to imagine a job without any social skills. I think we still need some amount of social skills to maintain a cooperative and sustainable work environment. Even if a job requires your full focus, such as coding all day--there will be times you need to communicate to someone about your work. But if anyone has found a way to sustain a living without speaking/communicating to anyone--then I would be curious to know and perhaps other readers too--any feedback about what job requires absolutely no communication.

With this idea in mind though, I highly encourage folks who want to develop this skill to start somewhere. If you haven't begun this journey, I invite you to start now. I think the best time to start 'planting seeds' of social skills should perhaps have began immediately after infancy.  But if that was not the case, I think it would be helpful if teachers as early as preschool, elementary and junior high/middle school school administrators continue the motivation to develop these skills. But if you are reading this now and feeling like you went through your your entire school life without having a chance to join anything, it's not too late. If you are reading and you are in junior high or high school, try joining a club that interests you or a team sport could be a good starting point.

If you consider yourself shy or introverted and finished high school without the opportunity to start any type of club or sport, I believe the next chance you may have to develop social skills is in college if you decide to go to one. But if you are a high school graduate who does not want to explore college or post college who has not yet taken any of these steps, you can try researching organizations in your community that you would like to volunteer for. It's best to volunteer for an organization that you believe in and are passionate about or try to look for internships that you are qualified for.  Once you join these kinds of groups, social skills can grow naturally through time.

A buddy of mine recently reminded me that if you find yourself out of college and still have not made any connections, it's still not too late to develop these skills. While the task may be more challenging as we age, as long as there is a yearning within to prosper, there's always room to grow. Some resources you may want to look for in your area (if they still exist) are groups like Toastmasters, or other meet up groups that inspire you.

Some countering feedback I've received when I give the advice I've outlined above--are along the lines of "But it's easier said than done;" or "Can't I just get a job through a referral?"  So to those questions, I'd respond with, If you are willing to develop your social skills, you'll need a great amount of patience.  Everyone has their own pace to get where they need to be. It can also be a time for others to recognize the traits that they could work well with. And If you are lucky enough to get a job through a referral, kudos to you! However that option is not always available to everyone. But it could be possible if you improve on your social skills and learn to network with the right people.

While I recognize that not everyone has the desire to join a club or sports team, etc. or has the drive to volunteer for anything and might prefer an easier path in life, please know that nothing is guaranteed and that social skills aren't 'grown' overnight. However, to those who may feel (a bit) frustrated at their situation, I invite you to think about these questions: 

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1) How would you describe your ideal job?

2) Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone?

3) Are you ready for change?

4) If you change nothing, are you happy with your career choice or lack of one right now?

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The response to question # 1 should help provide guidance on what careers you could be seeking. Please see my previous post: Career post on careers for guidance on what next steps you can take. To reinforce what I have explained before--find the people, or workplaces that are your ideal role-models and seek further advice from them ☺☺☺

If you answered "no" to any or all of the questions from 2-4, you may need further professional help to dig deeper on why it is you are unwilling to change anything about your life and expect some kind of profitable/beneficial outcome.  My advice is geared to those who answered "yes" to either or both of questions 2 & 3. If this is you, my hope is that you are proactive in the steps I have outlined to get you where you need to be. Feel free to also look back on this post: More career tips (Even though it was written for and during covid, a lot of it still applies.)

And to those who may have answered "no" to either 2 & 3 but "yes" to 4, then there's nothing further I would advise you to do because it sounds like you've found your happy place without having to change!

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As always, I hope whoever needed this advice receives the direction they needed. If you have other questions, feel free to write them in the comments or send them here: Anonymous Questions for the next round of life advice!

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Careers continued--how to get into the career we want.

Before I delve into the topic, I will address my hiatus from blogging. Since I last wrote, work demands increased and life took a turn where my main focus was on family during the peak of covid when cases were still climbing; and later dealing with covid myself! Juggling life and posting blogs may have been put on pause but I've always known I would return when life wasn't so hectic. Fast forward to this year, I can happily report a better work life balance and stable family life. While I realize there can be curve balls thrown, I've taken my own advice which is also to handle things moment by moment and focus on what matters most.  

Because this forum has value to me and to the few readers who might still venture on for advice, I'm taking time out to address a question that was asked very recently which was--"Do you have any tips for people who are looking for jobs/careers? (Where would you begin?)

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For this kind of advice, I plan to break it down to share thoughts to 2 different groups. To start, here goes the advice to those who do not know what they want to do and don't know how to start:

1. Create a Resume--make sure you have one that you are proud of:

• A good resume should grab the recruiters attention. All resumes can be generic, however if you can create one that mentions your proud moments (which may also show how you can help their company succeed), those kinds of information can help your resume stand out from the rest.
• If this link still works at the time you're reading this, I do like the advice given here:Resume tip and no I do not get paid for posting that. If the link is broken by the time you try it, I highly recommend a search on YouTube or the Internet on "resume tips." If you are already enrolled in a university, I'm 100% sure there is a Career Center which offers "free" workshops on resume writing/tips, so definitely take advantage of those. But if you are just out of high school and not planning to go to college & the internet is still a free search engine, then definitely utilize it for your journey.

 2. Create your Cover Letter--these should be prepared as well as the Resume since a lot of companies require it.

• In following the advice for Creating Resumes above, please do the same regarding your cover letter (ie: find a way for your opening statement to stand out from generic ones.)
• If this link works in the future, there should be free cover letter templates for you to choose from here: Free Cover letter templates

3. Once you have your Resume and Cover Letter ready to go, if you are not seeking remote positions, I would highly recommend that you select a few places around your area where you would like to work. 

You may want to create a LinkedIn profile too so that recruiters in your fields of interest can also reach out to you! But if for whatever reason, you choose not to create an account, you can try the methods I used way before LinkedIn even existed: 

• Research the companies you would like to work in, explore their websites and search for job openings in the careers that interest you and follow their application procedures.    

•  If it's your dream company/place/institution, and they do not have an opening that interests you, you may want to find an different or entry level position that you can apply for which can help get your "foot-in-the-door" so to speak. If you are serious about this place, most people are willing to apply for starting positions which can help them learn how the company is run and then figure out whether they want to stay and move to a different position or leave altogether and find another career.

•  After applying to one, try applying to several other places that peak your interest. In the past, I applied to at least 10 places per day every day for 30 days and yielded about 3-5 interviews that month before landing an offer.  (Landing interviews can vary from person to person--for example it might not take you as long as it did for me or it can take longer depending on the experiences listed on your resume.)

• Make sure to edit your Cover Letter and Resume (if needed) to reflect the company you are applying to!  

4. Landing an Interview

• Before the actual interview, I highly recommend you call a friend, family member or individual that you trust and practice answering interview questions out loud. Even if you practice in your mind, it's very different when actually speaking to people.
• If it's impossible to speak to someone for practice, perhaps try practicing answering questions out loud in front of a mirror.
• Alternatively you can also try listening to Workhaps tips here: Interview tips, Interview tips 2, Interview tips 3
• Feel free to research other interview tips on your own too to diversify your knowledge.

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For the advice to people those who know exactly what they want to do for example, a specialized role in a company/institution/industry and perhaps no openings found:

1. First you'll need to do your research on where to find people already in that role--for example, if you would like to be a Librarian. You will need to research and find a local Librarian and ask for an Informational Interview. Let this person know that you are interested in a position like theirs and schedule a time to speak to them either virtually, on the phone, or in person. You may want to interview a few others for possible different perspectives. You can ask things like:

• What made you decide to be a Librarian (or whatever role you have selected)?
• How did you get this role? What are the steps to get this role?
• What do you like most about this role?
• What do you like least?
• How would you describe a typical day?
• What is it like working with your colleagues/management?
• What is the company morale like?
• May I "shadow" you sometime? (Shadowing someone in their day will help you discover what a day in the life of this role can be like.)

2. Keep in mind these questions are not all-inclusive. You may add to those questions anything else that you are curious about. Or you may reduce the amount of questions if you feel you don't need the information. Make sure you take detailed notes so you will know how to pursue that chosen career field.

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I'm  hoping the advice given helps you in your journey to find the career you are passionate about! If you have further questions, feel free to post them on the comments box or enter new ones here: Anonymous Questions

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How do we combat (systemic) racism? Does racism still exist?

This topic has prevailed after the death of George Floyd on May 25, 2020. My guess is that we will continue to be confronted with such questions as we continue to see evidence of yet another Black human being killed unnecessarily when there is hardly or no evidence of a violent crime initiated by that person.  People have asked me for my personal opinions about it and I have stated them either verbally or over social media.  This post will express more of my opinions and how I've been handling the issue.  Hopefully it can contribute to the diverse perspectives that exist throughout the media and social media. I hope it also brings to light how it still exists especially among the Black communities and explores ways we can minimize and one day end racism.

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To give a little bit of background on how my views were shaped on this subject, it started in the 1980s after I learned in elementary school about how the Martin Luther King era brought racism to light via peaceful protests and how he helped the movement on getting African Americans to vote.  Through time, I lived life thinking that we as a society had eradicated racism and that if it did exist, it was just a small percentage of older people whose minds could never change.  Little did I think we had people in positions of power such as our police force who would still have such a strong prejudice!  It turns out I've been blindly believing that racism was an issue of the past.  To me, nothing justifies killing people who are clearly unarmed yet the reports that have been made known are one too many.

While I am aware that there are Black Americans who do not believe there is any systemic racism, I can respectfully disagree based on what I know from observations and evaluations of documentation on past and recent happenstances coupled with other resources.

The resources I hold in high regard which helped me understand the injustices of racism (found on the Clever Girl Finance website--whom I've been supporting for a few years now) are listed below:

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1. Shows, documentaries, and movies to get informed about the impact of racism and racial injustice:

- 13th (Netflix)

- If Beale Street Could Talk

- Just Mercy (Movie & Book) by Bryan Stevenson

- The Hate You Give

- American Son (Netflix)

- Dear White People (Netflix)

2. Books on racism:

- How to be an Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi

- White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo

- Locking up Our Own by James Forman

- The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander

- Between the World And Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

- The Bluest Eyes by Toni Morrison

- The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin

- So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

- Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria - Beverly Daniel Tatum

3. Organizations to support and donate to:

- Blacklivesmatter.com (Black Likes Matter)

- blackvisionmn.org (Black Visions Collective)

- minnesotafreedomfund.org (Minnesota Freedom Fund)

- gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd (George Floyd Memorial Fund)

- cuapb.org(Communities United Against Police Brutality)

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I've seen & heard enough to feel a need to send this message out to people -- that we don't have to just "get used to it" or have the mentality of "this too shall pass." The rude awakening up until now has certainly taken its toll to the people directly involved and to people like me who try to make a difference but seem to not be able to make a "dent." However posting here was one way I could at least conclude that yes racism and systemic racism still exists. It's comforting to know that there a few people I've spoken to who are taking action to get people in positions of power more accountable for their actions.

 

In my opinion though, to combat (systemic) racism, I think we would need more people in positions of power to want justice bad enough for human beings like: Breonna Taylor, Rayshard Brooks, Daniel Prude, and countless others who happen to be Black and died at the "hands" of police officers. If the desire for justice is missing or simply does not exist in our government, I'm not sure when these kind of tragic stories will end.

 

Of course I'm always open to feedback and I'll leave these questions to those who may disagree with my line of thinking:

 

If (systemic) racism doesn't exist, how do you explain the Black lives that were not spared when they were clearly not displaying violent actions?

 

How would you feel if your own child or family member was killed in the same manner as the Black lives we have witnessed thus far?

  

 

Careers during times of covid

Some have wondered if what I wrote previously regarding careers still applies while we are all experiencing the pandemic (reference here); and I think that for the most part the questions and general advice can still be considered as guidance for what career path best suits a person.  In this post, I'm sharing some new direction and warnings to heed especially for those about to graduate and enter jobs for the first time or for those seeking new careers during these unpredictable times. While higher learning institutions may be alerting their students, I felt the need to share more information to readers of my blog.
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First, a word of caution

Unscrupulous people often try to take advantage of populations who are vulnerable in times of crisis. With the pandemic, a slow-down in the economy has forced many employers to lay off staff on top of implementing recruiting and hiring freezes.  Unemployment numbers have skyrocketed to levels not seen since the great depression, which makes it a particularly difficult time for recent or soon-to-be college graduates to find jobs.  I've heard of an uptick in email phishing attempts targeting college students eager to find internships and jobs.   Senders of these kinds of emails are posing as potential employers, even claiming to have received their contact information from the school they are attending.  They may also be asking for personal information and offering jobs without conducting any official interviews.  

If you or someone you care about has received such an email, it would be best to delete them immediately without opening any links or responding.  To take it a step further, if the recipient is a student, report it to school officials to help prevent others from being scammed.  Also, look into your school to find additional resources to assist with online safety.

Legitimate Job Sources

• Will never ask for personal information such as bank account numbers, birth-dates, SSN
  
• Will schedule interviews via phone or Zoom or other videoconferencing means
• May ask for and actually contact references

Being Flexible in your Job Search

• Look for those that are considered Essential Business--some examples include, but not limited to:
• health care
• grocery stores
• pharmacies
• restaurant delivery services
• Government jobs are found here
• To those in the Los Angeles County, try this website

Red Flags

• When you are  initially contacted via phone or email without ever having applied to position 
• Receiving an offer without ever meeting any individuals or visiting office space
• Asking for money transfers or requesting gift cards/office supplies
  
• No in-person or phone interviews

On the other hand, if you find a legitimate job source and land an interview and are curious about how to prepare, you may consult with your school's career experts.  Once you go through their recommendations, you may or may not wish to supplement with my life experience tips.  They can be taken into consideration whether or not we are facing a crisis.

Life Experience Tips

In my earlier years, I remember how preparation for interviews included "tips" like making eye-contact when spoken to, smiling when appropriate, and rehearsing some solid responses to commonly asked questions.  However, following certain scripts or giving "perfect" responses may back-fire for both the job seeker and the employer.  Giving the answer that the interviewer wants to hear may land you the job, but if your response isn't true to your heart, you may find yourself with a job that isn't fulfilling nor make you happy.

For example, if the interviewer asks, "How do you feel about data entry," and you respond "I love doing data entry!" without being truthful, you may be setting yourself up to fail, having to perform tasks you're less than enamored with if you land the job.  Being honest with yourself, as well as asking questions about the position back to the interviewer will give you a better sense of the work you will be doing and the company's culture.  If you don't ask the questions (more on this below), you could find that the position and environment isn't exactly how it was advertised.  For example if a position's advertisement indicated "provide customer service" one may find out too late that the actual conditions upon employment is dealing with a high number of unsatisfied clients.  

More Preparation Tools

For career seekers, I would highly encourage preparing questions to your prospective employers that give you background to what you could possibly be signing yourself up for.  If a post is not too specific as in the one given earlier about what kind of customer service you would need to provide, you may want to ask, "Please give me 1 or 2 examples of the kinds of customer service you need." Because every position varies, applicants should think about listing similar questions--even  some 'tough' questions that will assist in determining on whether or not you will end up taking a job offer.

Example:

General job posting -- Supervisor wanted to help organize employees. Duties include being in charge of communication, payroll, and leading day to day operations.

Possible questions to ask:

1) What is the general disposition of the employees?  Are they receptive to new management?

2) Why is this position open?

3) What kind of support will I have as supervisor?

4) What kinds of systems will I be working with to support this role?

The possible questions are not an exhaustive list, as there are other factors one can think about asking before an actual interview.  It's in your best interest to be selective about your careers, especially if it's full-time because another component to keep in mind is that you will be spending 40 hours or more of your time at this workplace and with your team of individuals. 

Another tip on how to best prepare for an upcoming interview includes having someone ask you potential interview questions so you could practice out loud and respond honestly to possible questions.  This method can help with that feeling of being 'stuck' when nervousness start to surface.  If you can, try envisioning the upcoming interview as having a conversation with people to find out more about the position versus stressing about whether or not you will be chosen.

General Advice

I have found that the best jobs I've had in my lifetime were ones where during an interview, I was being my genuine self. In being who we truly are without having to 'try' to be who we think we ought to be can yield the best possible positions which will allow us to grow professionally.   Being our true selves actually make the eye-contact, head nods, and smiles come more naturally.  When one resorts to telling people what they want to hear and perfunctory decisions are made, an organization or the person selected may end up unhappy, especially to career seekers and management that may be in a rush. 

If a company or organization doesn't hire you despite being authentic, please try not to let it deter you from the process.  Continue to do your research or even network with a company you can picture yourself being in. 

I do believe that when we are being our true self without an offer, these kind of outcomes only will lead applying to other suitable jobs.  With enough perseverance, patience, and time, an organization who values your potential and authenticity will extend the offer.   [Sometimes people will think that something is wrong with them if they do not get an offer, but I hope for the future's sake that this outlook is not where the focus will stay.  Human nature may cause feelings of disappointment, however my best advice is to take steps towards letting such feelings pass if possible within 24 hours.  In addition, I'd like to offer this quote: "The fruits of success are a lot sweeter when you've tasted the bitterness of defeat." --unknown]  You may find yourself overjoyed once you are in a position you love to wake up to every morning!

Overall, let it be known that it's possible for one to face a couple of rejections before an offer is received.   To close, my message to those trying to change career paths, whether it's during these times or any other time--is to do your research, follow your inspiration & intuition versus any feelings of desperation.  As always these posts are open for discussion.

What is the best way to deal with grief? Or how do we help people with their grief?

Grief is such a heavy topic. There is no "one-size-fits-all" response to this emotion yet I've been asked this question sporadically especially since after June 20, 2012 which is when I experienced and still consider the worst loss of my life--my dearest father--whom I could not imagine a life without.  Now this subject is starting to resurface because there are so many experiencing their loved ones who are passing away from this coronavirus that the world is still trying to manage.  However due to the prevalent concerns on this issue, I'll take a stab at helping those who need to know how I dealt with mine and how you can find your own ways towards comfort and hopefully peace.
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If you are someone who has just faced the loss of a loved one(s), my heart goes out to you first and foremost.  I can't imagine the ordeal, the unpredictability, and the whirlwind of emotions you might be going through.  But when you're finally away from all the "noise" of everyone asking what they can do for you, offering condolences, sympathies, and whatever words tend to become overused during those times, you can go through these lists of questions to try and help you refocus back to some kind of balance.  [Please note that I don't mean to minimize the people who use cliches during times of tragedy, I'm only relating to that phase of when I was going through my loss and the same words tended to echo throughout the day.  In retrospect,  I'm sure at the time everyone was doing their best to express their compassion.]  That said, here are the questions to those who need them:

1) Who is the person (or are the people) you feel most comforted by?  

I think it's important to make connections with these individuals weekly or daily if possible.  Whatever resonates with you, try to coordinate times to reach out.  Since we are currently living in times of social distancing, conversing via phone, or any other means of videoconferencing could be your "best friends" during these times.  Whenever the world has achieved containing the virus, flattening the curve (see prior blog post for info on this subject), and has returned to normalcy as we once knew it, then visiting these support groups of people and perhaps some doses of hugs could also help provide comfort.  For more direction on navigating grief, there are other questions and pathways to consider.

If the answer to this questions is 'no one' and you would rather be alone for awhile, please also consider next set of questions below.

2) How do you feel right now?  

You can journal about your feelings each day if you still want to deal with the loss on your own.   As long as you are writing whatever is in your heart, it becomes a form of therapy.  One day you may decide you no longer need to do so or perhaps are only doing so when you are compelled to.  For others, writing may continue as long as they live until their very last day on earth.  There really is no right or wrong way to feel.  My advice is to let your feelings flow one way or another.

Some people who choose not to write or journal may want to express their feeling through tears, yelling at the top of a mountain (or name some other location), talking out loud to 'empty' spaces, visiting the grave site, or talking to the urn of their loved one. These examples are only to name a few ways, but the best way is to express how you feel in a way that rings true to your soul.

3) What will make you happy at this moment?

From personal experience, the answer used to be: Having that loved one still here, happy and healthy would be great. Sometimes it still is, but we need to remember when that person was alive, there were other things that made us smile.  Even if it's as simple as enjoying an ice cream scoop or 2 (your favorite flavor, of course),  it would be a step in the direction to getting you back on your feet so-to-speak.  If anything happy comes to mind, please try your best to honor these delights.  Painting a portrait perhaps?  Reading a book from your favorite author(s)?  Hobbies?  Again, please try to remember what used to cheer you up before the loss or even discovering new joys count just as much.

If the loss is fresh, I can relate to the fact that we may not able to come up with a response to this question for awhile, however I invite all to ask this question daily until some kind of balance is restored.  If depression comes into the picture, I highly encourage professional help.  I've had to utilize this avenue and the best the way I had done so was by going through my health insurance for assistance with networks.

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My general advice is to be kind to yourself daily if possible.   After some time has passed, if readers are open to other views which can help bring closure to their loved ones passing,  I have come across books such as Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani which shed light for me.  If it helps, I've encouraged that reading to everyone I love and care about.  In time, I also read Journey of Souls by Michael Newton.  While we may not be able to conclude with 100% certainty about the afterlife despite what religion reassures us,  I do think what they have to say is worth a listen or read (when and if one is finally ready for that kind of insight).  Discussing them though would warrant another blog, but that time will come if enough people are interested.  Otherwise you'll just need to read the books yourselves and draw your own conclusions.

Another helpful idea that has come to mind is this clip of what brought comfort and closure to my frequent grieving days: Conversation with Anita Moorjani  In my journey through grief, I was somehow led to her messages and I hold a lot of what she says in high regard.   This particular clip helped me realize that we need to do what it takes for our own healing purposes through our grief stages. In time I learned to not focus on the loss as much where it takes away my balance and instead focus on what I can do now, daily, monthly or even yearly to honor my father's memories.

I'd further like to conclude with a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye which helps reinforce that our loved ones are still around (also mentioned in the video link):

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

If you are someone who wants to help others with their grief and feel these tips can be helpful, please refer them to this blog post. Meanwhile, I wish all those facing these kinds of tough tragedies on top of these turbulent times--that you find the peace, comfort, and hopefully eventually the  joy that is needed for you to become centered again.

How do we manage the corona-virus (covid-19) craziness?

I've been asked how I'm dealing with the covid-19 situation and what measures do I think are the best to take.  While I know there are many opinions out there, mine are for those who genuinely would like to know how I'm personally handling the situation along with general advice to those who feel like they need another place to turn.  It has been brought to my attention that there are so many seemingly contradicting information, propaganda, coupled by confusing actions taken by the public despite the safer-at-home order that was recently issued.  The following are my thoughts on how to handle these turbulent times.
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First, if you're finding yourself overwhelmed at this very moment, I invite you to close your eyes briefly and breathe in as much air as you can and release slowly.  Repeat at least 3 times, then breathe normally before continuing on.  Once you find yourself a bit calmer and open to some (new?) guidance, you may take a moment and go through the following questions & respond honestly (as each individual has their own unique situation):

1) Are you generally an introvert or extrovert?

2) Which sources of information do you trust the most?  [This could be experts in the field, weblinks, trusted colleagues, friends, etc.]  Are you following the guidelines set forth by your trusted news source(s)/places of employment/schools?

3) How would you like to feel today?  What can you do to serve your communities and/or loved ones?

4) Name/list 5 things daily that you are grateful for/appreciative/happy about.  [Try to list different moments daily.]
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I have taken it a step further and written some insights and guidelines to possible responses to the questions above.

1) If you answered introvert, the safer-at-home order may not be an issue for you at all.  In fact, introverts may find this time useful for having more time for tasks that have been put off--such as cleaning, organizing, learning a new language, or perhaps do-it-yourself (DIY) projects that can be managed at home.  There's even a meme going out there about this time being an online video gamer's dream.  On a more serious note,  you may not want to forget to do something active for at least 30 min - one hour per day, until you feel balanced mentally and physically.

Extroverts may have more of a challenge, however since I'm a mix of both, I find that technology has helped me the most in this area.  For example, video-conferencing, social media, and outlets that keep us connected to our loved ones are most helpful when we need that kind of interaction.  Taking virtual online classes bring on new meaning as I look forward to yoga and dance at least 2x a week.

I realize not everyone may be privileged enough to have access to high speed internet.  It would be my hopes that our government could figure out how to give these populations access especially for underprivileged communities who may need it for themselves or their children's education.  Meanwhile, extroverts who do not have such access may try writing letters to friends & loved ones, trying new recipes for family members, catching up with friends and family via phone calls, and going out daily (applying the 6 ft. rule) and smiling at those around the neighborhood or having conversations within a safe distance when taking walks or grocery shopping.  If anyone has any more ideas for people who don't have internet, please feel free to write in the comments.

2) I'm one who appreciates and takes seriously the facts given by experts in the field.  A few sources I trust are the following:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/22/health/coronavirus-restrictions-us.html

https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-the-hammer-and-the-dance-be9337092b56

https://www.cdc.gov


I also really do appreciate this flyer distributed by my health plan provider: Flyer  which not only has general information, but also discusses ways for us to do our part during these urgent times.  Hopefully it helps those of you who need it, but please ignore phone numbers on the flyer especially if we don't have the same health plan.

3) There will definitely be unique answers to this one.  My response has consistently been in line with "Safe and healthy."  Without both, I would not be able to work my day job, serve the community or help those who need it.  What I have done is use technology to keep in touch with loved ones, thus following the social distancing methods.  I call my mother every day as she lives alone and I work with my siblings to get her the things she needs, as she fits the definition of high risk for the covid-19 virus.  Whatever response you give to this question will determine how you feel and carry out your days.

4) This too will vary from person to person.  I challenge and highly encourage you to make this a daily routine until the curve is flattened and our lives are restored to normalcy. (Some people choose to list 3 or up to 10.  Feel free to modify it so you have at least more than 1 highlights per day.)

If anyone is curious about what my 5 lately have been.  Here goes: a) Being able to work from home. b) Finding laughter each day. c) Air is fresher outside. d) Speaking to loved ones daily. e) Slowing down and discovering what's most important.

Please keep in mind that extreme anxiety and even depression calls for professionals so I highly encourage you, if you are in this group to do research in your area for a support group.  Otherwise I managed to find the following: "If you are feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, call 1-800-854-7771 or text "LA" to 741741."

I would also like to conclude this post with a quote from my favorite author and spiritual mentor, Anita Moorjani pertaining to the pandemic.  She says, "I just want to gently remind everyone that the best thing we can all do for ourselves, our families, and our immune system is to stay calm and find peace in all of this. I'm not asking you to be irresponsible, but it's not necessary to constantly be in panic mode or survival mode. Remember we are all in this together - so let's all take a breath, and treat this as an opportunity to slow down. It's not just happening to a few random people - it's all of us. We can meditate, pray or send energy to all of those on the front lines of this, and those who are directly affected. We can offer our help where we can, picking up groceries for those who can't do it for themselves. We can focus on improving our own health and our immune system, and act responsibly if we are feeling unwell at all. We can offer support to those who may be losing their jobs through this, or ask for support if you are the one who is struggling. In fact, there is a LOT that we CAN do! The one thing that is pointless is if all of us went into survival mode, because that's what brings out the worst in us! It doesn't help the situation, and doesn't help our immune system either! ....When we realize we are all in this together, it will pass with more ease and grace."